The day comes closer

The day that I leave gets closer and closer. It's hard to believe I've been here for so long. Other times it seems that I've only just gotten here. I'm so tired and worn out. I want to sleep for a month. I'm worn so thin. I hardly know what to do anymore. I don't know weather leaving is a good idea, but I don't think I could possibally stay any longer. I know that being here has helped dad and has let me have some time with my mom. I am greatful for that but am ready to go. I need to make this drive alone because I need time to work things out.

I'm glad for the friends I have here. They have been such a blessing to me. They are my sanity. Thanks to all of you. I need you all so much. Andrea thank you for all you've done. Thank you for being there night after night. Thank you a million times. I can never repay you. I don't even know how to start. I am so greatful for you.

Happy Holloween all!

Add one more

I did see the movie "IT" when I was like five, and that did scare me, I don't know if it would now but then it did. I don't really like clowns they tend to really frighten me now and I don't do that whole "clown" thing at all. So there is number three. What a bad thing to show to a five year old!

As for the previews for "Saw" yes, I saw them, kinda ironic isn't it?? But it does look pretty good. Altho I don't know if I'll go to see it. Anyone got another I can try on for size?

Movies

It just hit me. There have only been two movies that have ever really scared me. Not that fake scared when you go somewhere with a boy you like just so you can hold his hand cuz you're scared...I mean freeked out beyond all get out.
1. House on Haunted Hill (1999)
2. What Lies Beneath (2000)

Truely these have been the only two movies that scared me. And I don't think they could even scare me anymore...who knows....Are there even any good scary movies out?

Truth

The most random things seem to happen at the most random times. Today a friend and I went to Perkin's to eat and there we saw some friends. They were with my old boyfriend and that was a bit wierd. I also saw an old friend. He walked right up and huged me. I didn't know it was him at first...so that scared me at first. It was strange and fun.

As for mom she's doing ok, she seems to be holding on to something...I wish i knew what it was. Then I could help it happen so she wouldn't suffer anymore.

I hope that me getting in an arguement with Timmo won't ruin my friendship with Boo. I feel like I've lost her. She seems so distant. I don't know what I could have done different but all I can say is I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. Please talk to me. I need you now in my life. Please don't go when I need you most. If you want me to make up with him I will. If you want to not talk tho, please tell me. I know it will hurt but I can take it. I don't want to come between you and him. I don't want to ruin everything...all I want is my friend to be honest with me. So please...just tell me the truth...

Scream

Have you ever wanted to scream, and make the whole world vanish. Have you ever wanted to curl up in a ball and stop everything from moving exept the slow inhale and exhale of what could be your very last breath? Why is it that now when things look so bad that all that seems right is to just scream and sob and make everything stop? Why is the best feeling numb, where you can't feel a thing? I want to be numb so badly, I want to be numb, please let it end. No more pain, I can't take anymore pain...it must stop...

In October

Well it's October for sure now. It's cooled off and foggy and reminds me a lot of what I think of when I think of Halloween. I do so enjoy the fall. I love it lots. The way everything just seems calm and still. The way the sunlight bounces of the fog and the air is cool and crisp. I think that in October the weather is the best. I love October. It's like the perfect month. And I love pumpkins!

Again congrats Boo and Timmo. And yes Boo I've known for quite awhile. It was a whole lot of fun. I hope that it was worth it ;) as if I didn't know it was. I hope that we'll get to have lots of fun planning you wedding! Yay!

Mom is doing alright, She's just taking it one day at a time, her speach has gotten harder to understand but nothing we can't handle. She does understand more then I give her credit for sometimes and that always makes me laugh. When I told her about Boo and Timmo she said "Well for even sakes, Yay for Boo!" I couldn't help but laugh when she started clapping! I'm so happy for you two!

Sneeky Peeky...

So apperently I'm sneeky according to Boo. For those of you who don't read her sight she was proposed to last night by Tim. I'm yay for her! I will not admit to anything that invloves it until I've heard from her. So Boo, if you're reading this and haven't called me...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR AN INGRAVED INVITATION? Just asking! So yeah, I'm happy for her and I hope that she will be very happy!


"The entire sum of existence is the magic of being needed by just one other person."
-Vi Putnam

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher." -Socrates

"In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief." -John Barrymore

"All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day." -Franklin P. Jones

Halloween

I just want everyone to let me know what they are going as for Halloween....Please comment!

A long day

Today has been long. It's grey outside and looks as if it may rain. Mom has been sleeping again and so there is not much for me to do but sit and wonder how much longer she will have to suffer. It just doesn't seem fair. Death is such a strange thing. You learn so much about the other people it affects and find out that you're not alone in feeling like your whole world is about to collapse. You find out that the world will not end but that it will be much different. I find myself thinking that I will be walking in some darkness for awhile after this is all over. I keep thinking how it's always a bit calm before a storm and with mom sleeping a lot lately I keep thinking that we might just be in for a "storm" here soon. We've gone threw a lot of her things and gotten rid of them and that's hard to do. It seems so permanent.

I've lost most of my appitite and only really want to eat things that are chocolate or otherwise fatting. Then again most of the time I don't want to eat at all. So I guess eating junk food may be better then not eating at all. I don't want to end up depressed but I don't know if that can be avoided.

But who really knows? There is much to do and so little time to do it in. I don't know how it will all get done. So many thing I want to tell people and so many thing I want to do and say. But I don't always have the time...

Do you ever feel like you might be making a big mistake but somehow in the back of your mind you want more then anything to make it?????

Fireman

Today, mom slept all day. I feel like i fireman sitting in the firehouse waiting for the little bell to ring!

Better Day

Well today is a better day. I find that I love to make others happy and that is what truely makes me happy. I have enjoyed making my friend Sandy happy. She's great. And my friend and I are ok again! Happy time. I want to say I'm very sorry to someone else tho. I hope you can forgive me. I'll be making this up to you somehow I promise. You're a great friend and I'm not going to lose you. I hope that you'll let me have the chance I need to figure out what I'm gonig to do. Until then I am very very very sorry.

I love the fall here in Wis. I am truly home. It looks beautiful outside when you look out the window but if you go out, there is a cool wind blowing that tosses my curls around and it's just chilly enough for a jacket and scarf. I want to stroll outside in the beauty of it all and breath the air and feel what fall is supposed to feel like. Oh the beauty of this season. How wonderful it is. I can't wait for pumpkins to be carved and sitting on everyones doorstep. Oh, fall is truly a wonderful time of year...

Darker Side

I sit here and wonder when the losses will end. I have to lose my mom and I'm grasping that. I understand that her brain can't function anymore, but she cannot remember who I am. And the part that hurts worse is that she can remember other people. She can't feed herself; and I want to take the very spoon that I feed her with and jam it into my chest and dig my heart out. If I had no heart I couldn't feel the pain. I could just go on being without feeling or love. It hurts...so much pain. There is noone to turn to. No light at the end of this tunnel. It hurts so much I can hardly breath. I don't want to feel anymore, I want to be numb.

I've lost one Mom, I don't care to do this again. I just want to stop this from happening. I don't want to feed my mom like a baby anymore. I don't want to see her like she is. I want her to be the same as she was. Why is this happening?

I don't want to lose my best friend. But I just seem to keep lousing things up. I don't mean to. I just was trying to help. Even the black crayon breaks and then there isn't one, but the crayon box will live on with out it. I'll be fine. I don't know if things are fixable. I don't think that the crayon can be taped back together again. I needed you but I don't wanna cause you pain. I didn't mean to draw on the other colors. It's time to throw the old worn out black crayon away and find a new crayon box to get a black from. I am so sorry. I don't know what I did but I hope you can forgive me one day.

For now, I will sit in my trash can of a rotting life and look for any hopes or reasons to climb out and scream "I HAVE NOT YET LOST,I WILL NOT BECOME WHAT I'M NOT, I WILL BE THE BLACK CRAYON". That time is not now. Now I sit and rot along with life as it is a horrible thing. Just one big letdown after another. Why would I want to be here? What keeps me here? There is no point anymore. Everything dies and I'm just taking up space. I don't want to feel, I don't want to love. I just want to be numb. Cold and alone.

Fun times

Well as some of you know, boo and I got back safe. It rained 75% of the way here but we made it safe. The trip was fun times! Mom is doing better then expected and I'm so greatful for that. It's been a long day. I resently saw and old friend and am happy to have seen him. Oh how I miss spending time with him.

We will be posting pictures later! Check back for them!