Do you ever?

Do you ever read someones blog (or myspace) just for laughs. Just to see what they think? And like what they don't know? And how they believe things. It's great sometimes. I mean honestly it is.

I also think it's funny to be accused of calling someone everynight, when HE calls you and when you're returning his calls, or his e-mail asked you to call. I just think it's funny that he tells me how much he loves me and things like that but you think I don't know. It's funny how everything gets blamed on you when it's not you, and it's funny that you don't know what nights he's not at work because you don't have the schedule and you have no clue until you read your amusement blog. But once you find out, you'll remember.

I also think it's funny that you hear about someone pulling the "OH I think my cancer is back and I might die and my life is over." right before the trip he's taking to see someone you know he cares for deeply. Oh how funny it is. However my luck isn't good enough for you to die. Sadly. But thanks for amusing me anyway.

On a better note. My schedule is getting fucked to all hell. I'm going to be working from like 9p-5a Friday night to Saturday morning then back in at 9p-5a for Sat and Sunday. That will be fan-fucking-tastic. Oh well. At least I can see the family. And my friends. Anyways...Hooray for money.

*Yawns* Work is going to be slow today. I can just feel it. Someone keep me company!

D-O-U-B-T

DEFINITION: doubt ( P ) Pronunciation Key (dout)
v. doubt·ed, doubt·ing, doubts
v. tr.
To be undecided or skeptical about: began to doubt some accepted doctrines.
To tend to disbelieve; distrust: doubts politicians when they make sweeping statements.
To regard as unlikely: I doubt that we'll arrive on time.
Archaic. To suspect; fear.

v. intr.
To be undecided or skeptical.

n.
A lack of certainty that often leads to irresolution. See Synonyms at uncertainty.
A lack of trust.
A point about which one is uncertain or skeptical: reassured me by answering my doubts.
The condition of being unsettled or unresolved: an outcome still in doubt.

This word here Seems to explain my every day feeling about my life. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't know if anything in this world is true. I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. I've become skeptical of everyone and everything. I've become cold, serious...nothing like myself. I feel as if I've been wearlign all these masks and trying to hide behind them all of my life and now...all of a sudden I don't even know who the person looking back at me from the mirror is. It's really strange. I just don't want to be around anymore. I don't want to be alive. I wake up in the morning and just want to stop breathing. I have to remind myself that I'll find something to live for...

The only good news I've heard for a long time is that when I've hit six months at my job (09/15/06)I'll be getting a raise, and apparently it's a good one. I'm not sure how much but it's based on preformance and things like that. So I work my ass off day in and day out...it's hard but it's going to be worth it.

Reel Big Fish says it best...

i'm givin' up
i know everything sucks, and this is gonna be the last
time you hear me complain

Everything Sucks
Reel Big Fish
Turn Your Radio Off

it's the little things

It's the little things you do with people that aren't me. The things you'd never do with me because you're to scared or becuase you didn't like it. But not for them, you change for them, you're someone else, I don't know you. You can't even do me a small favor. It's all I've asked of you. I don't know what changes but wow.

It's like being lied to about someone you thought you knew better then you knew yourself. It's like forgetting who you are completely. It's losing all sence of self. I'm lost...

Only you can help me find me...but you're not helping...

Cinco de Mayo, Great day for the Mexican Revolution bad day for me...

So, it's the 5th of May. Hooray for Mexican independence from the injustices of whoever was trying to take over Mexico at the time. For me...It was payday and in the blink of an eye all of my money was gone. I hate that. And then work was kind of crap. Not the people I work with mind you but just the day. It didn't go well. Just wasn't my day I guess...

I can't really explain it, but the day was just kind of a flop, I wanted it to be a good day, but I didn't wake up feeling well. My ribs hurt. So did my back, Other then that...Well I don't know what it was. I needed some help from a friend to let me know things would be alright...And they where of course pre-occupied. Ouch. Then my other friend was to busy reading a book to hang out with me...Ouch again. I think I should go home and suffocate under a pillow...End the suffering..

My dad thinks I'm a failure. Worst news of my life...And my brother is facing a minimum of 10 years in federal prison!

Mexican Revolution? I need a Revolution. Anyone got a plan? At least had I been in a war I could be dead from gunshots. Someone Shoot me!