Help me Understand

Would someone please help me understand why it is when you're so happy and it seems as if nothing could go wrong that somthing jumps out of hiding and bites you hard? I don't understand how a day can be going so well just to blow up in your face. All was well, but now it's not. There is no constant, no hope, no way that everything can ever be the way it should be. Why can't it be simple? Why can I never find the right words to say. Or why is it that the person who knows the right words can't say them to me. Why can't I have a friend who's always there? Why should I want one? Why should he want to be there for me? He shouldn't I don't deserve him or his forgiveness for my crulety. But I hope he'll give it to me anyways, oh I hope I hope I hope.

Boo will be here soon, she's there for me. She makes it right. I hope that she can fix this day. Oh please God let her fix it. I can't stand the hurt, the knots in my stomach...she will make it better, I know she will! Thanks heaven for Boo!

Today's the day!

Boo comes to day, I'm so excited, I'll have to write more later!

Busy Busy

So I've been busy. Friends here visiting and boo coming soon. Planing our trip and all. I'm so excited. Trying to figure out life. So much is going on.

I'll be home during Octoberfest! Yippy, brats are good. I don't drink but that way I can be the DD for my friends. I hope that it will be fun to go and see the bands and hang out. I am excited to go and chill there and maybe take my mind off some streesful things. I am excited about spending some time with mom while she's doing well. It will be fun to spend time with my family.

I want to thank everyone for being there for me with the stuff that's going on with my mom. I love you all very much. It's so nice to know that I have friends to listen when I need an ear. Or be a sholder to cry on the best way that they can when I'm so far away and feeling alone. It's nice to know that there is someone there who understands. Again thank you all. You are all so wonderful. Even you who just read my sight sometimes, I'm happy that you do and I hope you like it. Feel free to comment all.

So by the way, for those of you who saw sky captians, did you like it? I saw it and it was ok. I don't know that I'd own it but it wasn't bad. Does anyone know of any other movies that Jude Law plays in? I'd like to see them. He was pretty good, and there was a Mini-Elephant in the movie. Sweet! I love that!

OH HAPPY DAY

So it's only a few more days until Boo comes! Life is grand. I'm so excited. I know this will be a fun trip and we haven't even started it yet. I'm so totally thrilled to death! I honestly could die happy after this. Ok not happy but pretty darn close.

Not much else is new, life is pretty dull. But yeah, Sims two is still fun and I'm still rockin'. I need to get my film developed soon so I can see how my pictures turned out. I'm really excited. I need to go shoot some in Black and White still. It's kinda a pain tho because I don't have all the time in the world to do that which I'd like to have. Why can't their be more hours of light in a day?? There ought to be. Sleep is so over rated. I am having a blast with everything today! Iono why but I'm just so happy. Oh happy day! Boo is coming soon and today is beautiful!

I took this from a friend

The ABC Survey

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z .......

A - Age: 21

B - Bands listening to right now: Hot Action Cop

C - Career of the future: photographer

D - Dad's Name: Grant

E - Ethnic Background: White

F - Favorite song at the moment: "Don't want her to stay" Hot Action Cop

G - Great escape: Chillin' with friends

H - Hometown: Onalaska, WI

I - Instrument: Iono, I suck

J - Job Title: Student, slacker

K - Kids: someday

L - Last person you talked to on the phone: um, Boo I think

M - Mom's Name: Julia

N - Number of Siblings: 3

O - Oldest Sibling: Me

P - Phobia[s] / Fear[s]: Snakes! They move with no legs!

Q - Favorite Quote: "OOOOH, it's a scary tree, I'm afraid!"

R - Road Trip: Here to home with boo!

S - Song you sang last: Don't want her to stay

T - Time you wake up: When I get up

U - Unknown fact about me: I like putting chips on my sandwich

V - Vegetable you Hate: Lima beans suck

W - Worst Habit: Nail biting

X - X-rays you've had: Teeth

Y - Yummy Food: taco bell, burger king, anything i cook

Z - Zodiac Sign: Cancer

Think McFly!

Well Boo is finally home after what seems like forever. She can always make life better for me. I depend on her prolly a little more then I should, for that I'm sorry. But she's my sanity as much as ducks or teddy bears. I would like to just be able to see her anytime I want but can't; I think I need to fix that...

Well today or sometime this week I'm going to see Sky Captins. It looks pretty good and it was the big hit over the weekend. So if you've seen it, lemme know how it is. If you haven't seen it, well maybe you should. Has anyone else noticed that Angelina Jolie has weird lips? Just asking...

Well not much news, so I'm off...I'll write later maybe, Beth I have something for you! It's a present!

News

The Sims 2 has now come out, I've been playing that. Fun times. I would recomend it to anyone. It's more fun and more interactive. It's fun to sit and play. I don't really have as much time to do that as I'd like but I do have other things to do in this world besides play sims, as sad as that may be.

Boo is still gone. Sunday seems to be far away still. I'm always so lost without her. She does her fair share to confuse me tho. I am excited about seeing her soon. It's hard to live far away from your best friend. When we are crazy old women we'll have to move in together and reek havic on the world! Ahh good times. She's a funny kid..I hope camping was fun. I'm sure it was tho! I love camping!

There isn't much else, I moved the house around and it looks much better. I wish furniture wasn't so heavy. I got some "magic sliders" and they work good. That helps with the heavy things. But really books are a nusence to move. They are blucky and heavy and well you have to carry so many around at school that moving the ones that aren't school related seems like such a chore.

I will be going back to school next fall *cheers* I never thought I'd miss school so much, but I will be so proud of me when I graduate. And I hope my friends and family will be too. I've been taking more pictures lately and some of them are turning out great...others not so good. What to do...more practice I guess. Everyone I recomend that you shoot one roll of black and white film a year if you're not a photography buff. It's good to do and fun. It's totally worth the money to do it to, you can end up with some great pictures. It's just my thoughts but I think we'd all do a little better if we challenged ourselves more often. Maybe I'll start posting my good pictures. Or intresting ones....

Long days

Well it's been a long day, they almost all seem to run together now. I don't know which day it is a lot any more. That comes from lack of sleep. I worry to much I think, it's going to get me in trouble. I don't know what to expect of my mom anymore. She's gone from no sleep and too many meds to a few meds and she sleeps a lot. I know that's good for daddy but who knows how long she'll stay like this or how long she'll be around. AHH! I wish I knew what was going on. (sorry for my rant)But I wish Boo was home. She's always there to talk to me.

I want to go back to school. I want to be back doing things I like. Taking pictures! I think I'll go shoot a roll, I won't get to develop it but at least I'll feel like I've done something and haven't totally given up my dream. I hate that it takes so long to become a resident of a state. Just accept that I'm staying people! AHH! I want to be done with school so that my mom can see me graduate. I want to be done with school simply to be done...I started college (thanks to my dad) almost exactally a month after I finished High School! It was sooooooooo not fair. I hated it. I did get to move far away from my parents, which at first was cool, but eventually started missing them. I'm over that now. I've lived out of the house for four years. If I'd stop moving then I'd prolly have been done with school. Oh and if I'd picked a major...I knew what I wanted to be, I should have just gone with it! Oh well. I hope I'll get done soon.

Any music is fine with me. If you feel the need to share something with me please comment. I like ska a lot, I like almost all other music tho. No twangy country that makes you wanna gag and hit yourself with a pipe. New country is ok. But please feel free to share with me. I didn't list all the bands I liked so there's not really anything to stear away from exsept above. And I WANT A "Vote for Pedro" shirt! Anyone who has one should tell me where they got it!

Happy Birthday Timmo

Happy Birthday Timmo! I'm happy for you. I'm sad cuz you took my boo away. I miss her. With out her I have no purpose. Oh well. I want to go camping. Maybe I'll talk some people here into going cuz the weather has cooled down....we'll see. Maybe on the next long weekend. I got a new sleeping bag and a new tent and I want to try them out. I like to camp, some people think I'm to girly to camp! I'm a camper hear me roar!

Ok, that's enough of that. I think I'm going to go cook something for breakfast or is it lunch now....hummmmm....

Questions

I admit I stole this from my best friend, but I know she doesn't mind!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 11 I think, but that's when I rolled out of bed not woke up persay

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds are a girls best friend!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Nypolian Dynomite

4. What is your favourite TV show? Simpsons

5. What did you have for breakfast? I didn't have breakfast cuz I got up to late

6. What is your middle name? Marie (how unique right?)

7. What is your favourite cuisine? Um, are donuts cuisine? I like Mexican food too

8. What food's do you dislike? Seafood

9. What is your favourite crisp flavour? Dill Pickle Chips are good, and Pringles

10. What is your favourite CD at the moment? A mix Boo made for me =)

11. What kind of car do you drive? 1997 Saturn SL1 POS

12. Favourite sandwich? Lindy's subs....yum subs!

13. What characteristic do you despise? the one where you act all high and mighty to everyone when you're not. and you end up making a fool of yourself cuz we're all laughing at you.

14. Favourite item of clothing? My jeans, I live in jeans. And my lucky buns shirt. (It's a restrant people!)

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Vacation? do I have the time or money for a vacation? Not really, but I'm going home to visit my family and my best friend! I guess I'd go to NYC or London...iono

16. What colour is your bathroom? White and yellow with ducks!

17. Favourite brand of clothing? All things cute not to picky

18. Where would you retire to? Where ever Boo is. Not FL to many bad things happen to those people, my heart goes out to them and I hope they can rebuild...maybe somewhere by the Great Lakes

19. Favourite time of the day? Honestly even tho I'm not a morning person I love to see the sun come up. There is nothing better then knowing that yet another day is starting and it may be great!

20. What was your most memorable birthday? 17th, don't remember what we did but I was with my best friend and our other friends and who can ask for more?

21. Where were you born? Las Vegas, NV *SIN CITY BABY*

22. Favourite sport to watch? Hockey, altho the NBA finals are good, and GO CUBS!

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Uh...this really isn't applicable.

24. Person you expect to send it back first? See above

25. What fabric detergent do you use? Some crap from some company, it smells good!

26. Coke or Pepsi? Either in Cherry, but I prefer Dr. Pepper over anything else. Just like Boo!

27. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Night Owl, I don't do mornings

28. What is your shoe size? between and 8-9 1/2 depends on the shoe

29. Do you have any pets? Yup, my little puddy cat, her name is Puddy...

30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your family & friends? I know something Boo don't know! Um, I don't think other then that I've got anything...sad

31. What did you want to be when you were little? A restrant owner

32. What are you meant to be doing today? Sleeping? it's kinda late...

Stuff

I was reading my friend Dave's Blog and he was writting about stuff. I like stuff. He's so right, when we're sitting around doing nothing if it wasn't for stuff we'd be lost and board. I just wanted to point out how true stuff is. Stuff is great.

Not much happened today. It's been dull here. I found out some of my friends are moving and I'm so not excited about that. They are moving to CO and they want me to move there too. But I can't really do that cuz of lots of stuff. I had my interview at Best Buy and am excited to see if I get the job. Per Boo's request tho I'm not getting my hopes up. As soon as I find out tho I'm going back out to see everyone at home! =) That will be good.

Mom is still doing ok. She keeps saying she's getting better but I know this will never go away and that it will never last. But I'm glad she's not suffering. I don't like the idea of her suffering. Not that I want anyone to suffer but I don't like seeing her like that. But yeah I guess that anything is better then nothing. Happy days!

Warning

PARENTAL

ADVISORY

AUSTY01 CONTAINS EXPLICIT LYRICS

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

My Highway!

Austy01 Highway Bog of Eternal Marriage 8 Loony-Bin Lane 22 Confusion Lane 38 TravelWorld 117 Valley of Depression 401 Please Drive Carefully

Username:

Where are you on the highway of life?

From Go-Quiz.com

In general

Well today was intresting. I can't remember anything from yesterday but I hear I was quite funny to watch. Anyways, today I was told that a friend of mine is now ready to start dating again. I have mixed feelings on this becuase he tends to get too close to someone too fast. I worry about him and his feelings. I don't know, if he wanted my advice I guess he would have asked. I know I'm not like the dating police but I do worry. If he happens to read this please know I just worry ok?

I went shopping today with my friend Kerrie, it's always nice to go out with a girlfriend and just chat and shop. We went to the mall and she got some shoes for work and I found some boots and some other clothes that are cute. I do like going out. It was nice cuz yesterday I didn't really know what was happening so I'm glad I got to go out and have a good time for a few hours. It's always nice to sit and talk about anything. I used to get to do that with my best friend, but she's so far away now which I hate. Someday I will live close to her again. That's a promise! I hate not getting to see her 24/7 if I want. Plus I miss my other friends.

So she and her boyfriend have a secret that involves me, I would like to know what it is. Please inform me. I need to know. I get to go and see them soon because my dad called and needs me to come and help with my mom again. He said she's getting antsy to do things again. I wish she wouldn't because that's so hard on daddy. And even tho we don't get along I hate to see the man suffer. But I just got an interview with Best Buy and I don't want to not get the job because I need it to pay for stuff that I want but don't need, and to keep my mind off of everything that's been going on. So yeah. I hope I get the job, first interview is Saturday! Wish me luck all. I'm excited to have an interview.

So I've been listening to SR71 lately. Someone I know says that they shouldn't have that name because they are a gay ska band and that happened to be the name of a "Cool" plane before they picked it. But I happen to like ska. I really like the group called "I Voted for Kudos" too, thanks for that Jerad. And I like some others. Reel Big Fish is cool, and so are the Aquabats. Lemme see, there are others too but it's pretty late and I can't think of the names of bands right now. Calabrese is good. But yeah, that's all I've got for now. But away from ska I like Keaton Simons "Currently". He's so cute and has a great voice. All boys should be like him. He reminds me of my friend Kenny. I miss him. I need to find out where that boy is! He's like a brother to me. What a great kid! Well now I'm just babbling, I'm going to bed!

I am Loved!

I just want anyone who loves me to comment, just so I know they do! Today I am full of love because of some news and I wanna know who loves me!

"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged." -- Hans Nouwens

Bow Out

I take this chance to bow out. So much has changed. It's no longer the same as it used to be. Knots that have taken so long to tie and that were to keep us from falling seem to have come undone. We're falling fast and there seems to be nothing to catch us. I've been trying to hard to push something that cannot be fixed by me. In fact all I've done now is untied our knots. So I shall bow out. I will be in the shadows or just around the corner but not here, not in the middle or even the edge, just out of reach is safer and better. I never meant to change what we had. But it apperes that sometimes you have to choose your battles and I chose wrong. I have come to fear I will regret that for the rest of my life.

"There is no greater hell than to be a prisoner of fear." -- Ben Jonson

"Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil." -- Aristotle

"You can never plan the future by the past." -- Edmund Burke

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." -- William Shakespeare

"I Wanna Be Sedated"

I'm going to get fillings today (Wednessday) I just thought this song was good for this occasion:

"I Wanna Be Sedated"
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insaneI can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....Just put me in a wheelchair
and put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-o I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I go locoI can't control my fingers
I can't control my toesOh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...Just put me in a wheelchair...
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

The Ramones

I wash my hands of it

I just want it to be known that I wash my hands of the whole thing. I can't make anyone be friends again so here's my deal....I'm out of it, I want out and I will not be in. I will remain friends with all those involved but won't be the messenger anymore! I want you all to know I'm not mad, just done. Ok? I hope that's alright.

Last night I went to a "How to Host a Murder" party. I got to dress up like Cleopatra, it was ok I guess. I can think of other things I would have rather done...but oh well. At least is was good company and something to do. It's my second one. Last time I got to go as a fifties girl and it was more fun. I think it would have been more fun if we'd had more time to figure out better coustmes and stuff but I don't know. I got to play with my friends baby and I love that. He's so cute. Anyways, my character didn't do it. Which is good, I'd hate to think I killed someone.

"In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity." -- Albert Einstein

To Be Forgiven

I would like to be forgiven for the wrong that I have done. Each and every one of us is allowed to be themselves. I do not ask that anyone change for me. Speak your mind but say it to my face. Do not run around trying to be heard when noone can hear you. Let me know what is wrong and I will understand. I will always be here, I am the mountian that will not move. I will stand by your side and protect you. I will never think less, only more. I admier who you are no matter who that is. Understand that please! I would like us to be constant and forever. My biggest fear is to lose you....please don't hide from me and make that fear come true. I will always accept who you are and whoever you become. I love you. I will always be here when you need me. That is a promise! Do not go where I cannot follow, lead me not where I dare not go....stay with me and hold my hand for the path I walk is dark without you.

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -- Martin Luther King Jr.

The pen is mightier then the sword....

Old Faces

So an old friend got ahold of me today. It was strange, I should have yelled at him and been nasty and bitter, I guess I'm just not like that. Sometimes I wish I was. But oh well. It has turned out to be a good thing I guess. I like knowing that I still have old friends, I like old ones. I like new ones too!

I'd like to thank Beth for helping me make my blog into something I am proud of! *hugs beth* and for making it cute! I'd like to thank Andrea for helping with my Blinkies! I'd like to thank all of you who put cool stuff out there for me to put on my blog! You are all wonderful! Not as wonderful as Andrea and Beth but hey, what do you expect.

Today has turned out wonderful! I hope all days will continue to be good for me and for all of you also! Today will be a record day for this girl!

Help comes from where you least expect it

It's funny, Life is. Isn't it strange how helping someone else out can make you feel so much better? I thank him for letting me help! He will never know how much it means to me to get to help, when I am down it makes me happy!

Well I'm on a champagne high (so high) Where will I be when I stop wondering why On a champagne high (so high) Toast to the future but that'd be a lie On a champagne high Where will I be when I stop wondering why On a champagne high... high...So high so high you left me undoneso high, so high you left me undone....

~Sister Hazel
"Champagne High"

Today was cold

Today was a cold day. The wind blowing sent chills up and down my spine. It feels like late October. Much to do not enough time. Permed hair today. It's spirals cascade down my back now and are beautiful. They flow nicely. If only my hair were longer....it will be soon I hope, maybe closer to the middle of my back. It's is brown with red highlights, they shine in the light. I wish the trees were red. I miss the pretty colors, the weather makes me know the time has come for the change.

Went shopping, got some new clothes, fall clothes that are warm but not yet too warm. Ones that are comfortable. I love new clothes, to bad they cost money. I wish I could afford to buy more. But cannot. I will have to get a few more sweatshirts and hoddies for winter. I hope that I can find some I like. It's hard to know Mom will not go shopping with me. I will miss her so, we always had such fun shopping! She is my joy which will soon be gone from me.

Mom's cancer is bad, she will not live long. This is sad but how it must be. I know this is true, I find myself wishing sometimes that death would come quickly so that the healing of the rest of us may begin. The pain of watching her suffer hurts deeply and makes my heart ache and fills my brain with torment. It racks my very soul to see her in pain and to talk to the drugs which seem to never help! Then when they take her off the drugs which are supposed to help she get's "better" she sounds like herself and daddy even seems happy! How is it that drugs that are supposed to ease pain cannot help, and when the doctor has given up hope for helping her that she seems better? How can that be? If it is true that the doctor doesn't do anything for her by giving her drugs then what is he good for? It can't be this way! Modern meds are made to cure people! Lots of people become cancer free, why not my mom! Why must she die! What a crule and twisted irony. I have friends (none of who will be named) who's mom's smoke and even she (my friend) smokes, why don't they have lung cancer? Why must fate mock me and the pain I feel? I know many who drink why do they not suffer the pain of liver cancer? Why don't they feel her pain? Why must their healthy presence mock me? I hate it. I cannot sit by and let this happen, however because of crule fate there is nothing I can do! I cannot give a lung or a kidney or even blood...nothing will help. She will be gone from me and my joy and love will die. It will shrivel into bitterness and pain. It will consume me whole until I cannot breath and will drowned in my own sorrows and tears. There is no hope. Only pain and missery. The black angel of death comes to knock on my door. More death then I am prepared to handle. I have lost others that I cared for. Three already this year. Mom will make for. Death I hate you. Leave me be! Let me rot in my bitterness! Come no more where I can see you! Take not another that I love. If you must take someone let it be me! Let me be the one to feel your icy breath. Do not take my mother, leave her to her home and family. Ease our pain, make the hurt stop. Do not taunt us, go and knock at other doors, bring me no more pain. Do not bring changes of this magnitude to my door anymore....for I cannot take it. I cannot stop the pain inside, I cannot change the way I feel when I want to hide away from pain. Make it all stop.

I wish there were arms I could be in, be held in. I wish for those arms to keep me safe and warm. To help stop the pain. They must be strong for me, are there any that can stop this pain? Are there arms to comfort me? Where I can take refuge? Is there a place made for me? Who will be there to stop the pain? I know there is someone, I will find them.....

Welcome to September

I know it's September 2 now but oh well. I am saddened by the fact fall here is not as beautiful as my home where I belong....I long to see the bluff on fire, the colors of the trees changing....oh the beauty of those things. Don't get me wrong the trees here do change but not the same. I shall take some pictures. The weather has gotten warmer (it's been cold threw August) I wish'd it could have stayed like that. But then a cold front moved in quit quickly last night and blew over the swing of the people who live next door. I'm sad to say that made me happy. They are crazy people with annoying children. But yeah, it's funny becasue they didn't even know, I wish that it had blown into his loud truck. My morning glorys are doing well. They are pretty. The grass is dead, the desert does that tho. Boo and I have a blog now! How exciting! It's great to have one with my best friend. I know she'll always be there for me but I find myself wondering what I'd do with out her. That is a scary thought. Well maybe I'll have something intresting to say tonight....I have to call the dentist and the cell phone company. AHH! I need 3 filling and a crown cuz my old dentist messed stuff up, the jerk!
~love AM

The Day is long

Today is a long day. I am still not recovered from being sick. I hope this goes away soon. All is well. I have been plotting and doing things that noone knows about! I have a major headache. I hope that goes away. I wish all was well in the world, I know lots that I wish I didn't. Oh well, with time all wounds heal. Scars maybe visible but they also fade....