Today was cold

Today was a cold day. The wind blowing sent chills up and down my spine. It feels like late October. Much to do not enough time. Permed hair today. It's spirals cascade down my back now and are beautiful. They flow nicely. If only my hair were longer....it will be soon I hope, maybe closer to the middle of my back. It's is brown with red highlights, they shine in the light. I wish the trees were red. I miss the pretty colors, the weather makes me know the time has come for the change.

Went shopping, got some new clothes, fall clothes that are warm but not yet too warm. Ones that are comfortable. I love new clothes, to bad they cost money. I wish I could afford to buy more. But cannot. I will have to get a few more sweatshirts and hoddies for winter. I hope that I can find some I like. It's hard to know Mom will not go shopping with me. I will miss her so, we always had such fun shopping! She is my joy which will soon be gone from me.

Mom's cancer is bad, she will not live long. This is sad but how it must be. I know this is true, I find myself wishing sometimes that death would come quickly so that the healing of the rest of us may begin. The pain of watching her suffer hurts deeply and makes my heart ache and fills my brain with torment. It racks my very soul to see her in pain and to talk to the drugs which seem to never help! Then when they take her off the drugs which are supposed to help she get's "better" she sounds like herself and daddy even seems happy! How is it that drugs that are supposed to ease pain cannot help, and when the doctor has given up hope for helping her that she seems better? How can that be? If it is true that the doctor doesn't do anything for her by giving her drugs then what is he good for? It can't be this way! Modern meds are made to cure people! Lots of people become cancer free, why not my mom! Why must she die! What a crule and twisted irony. I have friends (none of who will be named) who's mom's smoke and even she (my friend) smokes, why don't they have lung cancer? Why must fate mock me and the pain I feel? I know many who drink why do they not suffer the pain of liver cancer? Why don't they feel her pain? Why must their healthy presence mock me? I hate it. I cannot sit by and let this happen, however because of crule fate there is nothing I can do! I cannot give a lung or a kidney or even blood...nothing will help. She will be gone from me and my joy and love will die. It will shrivel into bitterness and pain. It will consume me whole until I cannot breath and will drowned in my own sorrows and tears. There is no hope. Only pain and missery. The black angel of death comes to knock on my door. More death then I am prepared to handle. I have lost others that I cared for. Three already this year. Mom will make for. Death I hate you. Leave me be! Let me rot in my bitterness! Come no more where I can see you! Take not another that I love. If you must take someone let it be me! Let me be the one to feel your icy breath. Do not take my mother, leave her to her home and family. Ease our pain, make the hurt stop. Do not taunt us, go and knock at other doors, bring me no more pain. Do not bring changes of this magnitude to my door anymore....for I cannot take it. I cannot stop the pain inside, I cannot change the way I feel when I want to hide away from pain. Make it all stop.

I wish there were arms I could be in, be held in. I wish for those arms to keep me safe and warm. To help stop the pain. They must be strong for me, are there any that can stop this pain? Are there arms to comfort me? Where I can take refuge? Is there a place made for me? Who will be there to stop the pain? I know there is someone, I will find them.....