Rubber Ducks and Other Things

well well well

2007-03-13T12:12:00.000-06:00

Ok - so things....not bad - not good. Life has moved on in a whirl of color and friendship and things never to be spoke of again. I have the most adorable boy sleeping feet from me on the couch. I don't know what it is that attracts me to him but I just want to snuggle him. At any rate...

I have a job selling ADT security systems on the phone. Not a bad job mind you...they pay me base and then pay me commission on top of that. I make money now - which is really nice. Elizabeth is my boss again - which I can take or leave. I work again with mostly guys which I like more then girls because girls are backstabbing bitches for the most part with a few exceptions all of which I count as my friends. My boss - Curtis...Wow...he's great. He's from Chicago and like a member of the mafia...we tease him all the time. He's a fantastic boss. Enter work party. We had a huge ass party at Snowbird (ok so you don't know what that is but love it anyways) and all the guys wore tuxes and looked OOOOOOOh so handsome and I had a black cocktail dress on and Gina did my hair and wow...oh...Pictures...here we go...anyways - just reporting...

Still here

2007-03-12T20:13:00.001-06:00

It's true - I'm still here...but so much has changed - I won't even start. Just know that I am still here and life is good. Tell me...what do you think of the name Devlin for a little boy...

Are we even us anymore?

2006-10-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

I can't help but wonder. You don't talk to me. You don't return my calls. Do I even have a best friend at all? Am I just a loner meant to be alone? I'll find out some day if it's been us all along or if it was hopeless. Let me know.

Fort Minor songs that mean a lot to me...

2006-09-24T18:30:00.000-06:00

"Believe Me"

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing em
I'm just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've got a face to pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hands
Now I don't really even know who I am
Yo, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

[bridge]

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

Do what i have to do
You're on your own now believe me

What ever happens to you
You're on your own now believe me

What do I have to say
You're on your own now believe me

It's not gonna happen with me
You're on your own now believe me

"High Road"

Lets go ya'll

These people are running off at the mouth
Tryin to convince me that I'm running on empty
Tryin to convince themselves that the record with Jay was a fluke
That the record that I'm makin is a mistake
and I cant take this
Lemme tell you where I'm at with this
You bastards are gonna have to take back that shit
I'm not plastic and fake
When I make tracks I take facts and lay them out for the masses
You assholes are gonna see soon that I'm not playin
Start askin me the names that I'm not sayin
But I'm tryin to be bigger than the bickerin
bigger than the petty name callin
under the breath talkin
rumors and labels and categorization
I'm like a struggling doctor, No patients
But you can say what you want about me
keep talkin while I'm walkin away

You can say what you have to say
cuz my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
this is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
cuz my mind's made up anyway
all that bullshit you talk might work a lot
but it's not gonna work today

You people are running off at the mouth
Tryin to make me take myself off safety
Tryin to make my friends turn their backs on the team we built
buildin up some mistaken information
and I cant take this
lemme spell it out plain for you
angry groups complain about the things we do
im not changing direction, I'm stepping my game up
Maintainin my name, the same way I came up
You're gonna see that I'm not playin
start asking the names that I'm not sayin
but im tryin not to mention the names of people who wanna sight and attention
You like the hype but pretendin you're part of the picture wont pass
You're like a high school dropout, no class
You can say what you want about me
keep talkin while i'm walkin away bitch

You can say what you have to say
cuz my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
this is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
cuz my mind's made up anyway
all that bullshit you talk might work a lot
but it's not gonna work today

Why does it always have to be
Somebody's always watching me
All I really need is some room to breathe
Is anybody out there listening?
Cuz I cant stand to keep this in
All I really want, I'll say it again

You can say what you have to say
cuz my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
this is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
cuz my mind's made up anyway
all that bullshit you talk might work a lot
but it's not gonna work today

Starting over

2006-08-22T21:40:00.001-06:00

So I've made the choice to start my life over. To resolve to be better. To only do things that make me a better person or make the lives of those around me better. I've desided to only take some people with me. Others will have to be written out of my life. I'm sorry, but it has to be done. You'll understand someday. If you don't...well I'm sorry just know it's better to end this way.

I've found myself a bit bothered though because I made one simple request a few months ago of someone and I've found it to not be kept. But such is life as he would say. I have some things to get off my chest as far as he goes. Check your messages I'm sure you're aware if you're not...well now you are.

My best friend says she's coming to visit soon! I'm excited about that. I couldn't be happier, I had once wished to share that with another friend and am slowly coming to the conclution that that's not going to happen. But...that's ok. I get to see the person who means so much to mean and has been there for me through the last 13 going on 14 years. I couldn't be happier!

Starting over

2006-08-22T21:40:00.000-06:00

Been a while

2006-07-30T02:52:00.000-06:00

Ok, I'm not supposed to be on here but I'm trying so hard to stay awake. I don't know what's what anymore. I've been feeling lost. Naturally part of this is from the loss of my best friend. However I manage to live through that day by day. I saw him driving the other day. I was so proud...I didn't burst into tears.

I have come to the sad realization that I don't know that I want to continue an old friendship as it causes me pain everyday. He doesn't give a damn about our friendship anymore so why should I? Tell me really what is the point?

I have made some good girlfriends. I am greatly appreciative for them. They are mostly from my work but that's better then nothing. I try not to hang out with people with whom I work after the latest loss of a friend. I feel strongly it's the best way to get bent over and raped up the ass...

Work is otherwise good. However we've lost quite a few people. That really sucks because we're short handed. I moved to graveyards and that's been ok. I'm glad that I don't have to work in the day. Anyways life is really blah. I am so sorry that I have nothing really intresting. My head hurts, I never get anysleep, I'm going crazy. Anyone going to come along?

One of those days...

2006-06-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

It's been one of those days. One where nothing goes right and you need to get a hug from someone that doesn't live in your family! It all just sucked, I don't have enough time to do anything! And naturally Rory's ex was being a bitch! Oh anyways...life is good, we're moving downstairs starting on my birthday. I'm so excited! More space and no child in my bedroom! Hooray! Thanks for letting me vent...this sucks! I don't want to be at work, and I"m suck here until 5am!

I don't miss you...

2006-06-15T20:32:00.000-06:00

I don't. I don't miss you anymore. At least I keep telling myself that. I'm not going to break down and call...see if we can work it out. I'm not going to see how you're doing, or what's new. No...I'll leave that to you, you could always find me...if you needed too...or wanted too. I don't miss you anymore...I don't miss the time we spent together or the way you made me laugh. The way you'd do silly things just for me. I don't miss you...

More about me

2006-06-11T04:00:00.000-06:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Austen Marie Allen
Birthday:	June 26
Birthplace:	Las Vegas
Current Location:	Stuck in a rut in Utah
Eye Color:	Green
Hair Color:	Dark brown, red high lights.
Height:	5'2"
Right or Left Handed:	Right
Your Heritage:	English, Dutch, Welsh
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Flip Flops, Brown, old navy
Your Weakness:	Smooth talkin' guys
Your Fears:	Being comepletely alone, letting my family down, losing my brother
Your Perfect Pizza:	Cheese, lots and lots of cheese!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Move out of this state!
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	LOL
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Morning...what time is it?
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes
Your Bedtime:	When I get home from work most of the time
Your Most Missed Memory:	My mom...and when she sang to me
Pepsi or Coke:	PEPSI
McDonalds or Burger King:	BK
Single or Group Dates:	Start group....finish...single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Um...no tea thanks
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla Ice cream, Chocolate everything else
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Yes...that's bad
Do you Sing:	I do in the car and to my family
Do you Shower Daily:	yes, sometimes twice to relax
Have you Been in Love:	Yes
Do you want to go to College:	I have
Do you want to get Married:	I am
Do you belive in yourself:	I do, well most of the time
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope
Do you think you are Attractive:	Sometimes
Are you a Health Freak:	Not really
Do you get along with your Parents:	No, my mom is dead, my dad...let's not go there
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Love them
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Nope
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	I think so, don't remember
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	sure! hooray for cookies!
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	Never, allergic
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yes
In the past month have you been Dumped:	NO WAY
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no, to cold
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	um...no...that's just wrong and not funny
Ever been Drunk:	No...
Ever been called a Tease:	Yes I have...quite a few times
Ever been Beaten up:	Nope
Ever Shoplifted:	Nope
How do you want to Die:	Drowning
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	To be a chef
What country would you most like to Visit:	Ireland
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Doesnt' matter as long as I get lost in them
Favourite Hair Color:	Again doesn't matter, I just want it to feel good when I put my fingers in it
Short or Long Hair:	If it's taken care of...doesn't mater
Height:	taller then me
Weight:	Why would this matter?
Best Clothing Style:	what he is comfortable in
Number of Drugs I have taken:	0
Number of CDs I own:	quite a few 275?
Number of Piercings:	0
Number of Tattoos:	0
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	0
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Crash and Burn

2006-06-10T03:15:00.000-06:00

I watched Wedding Crashers tonight, generally good movie. But I saw it with my old friend...and it reminds me of him. and then there is all of the talk of how friendship means nothing and thre is no reason to believe in it. And wow...it reminds me of him. I know he'll never come back...but for a few small moments...all I could think about was him. I'm sure you're all sick of hearing this stuff but yea still broken up inside badly. Sorry for venting.

System has gone on the brink...

2006-06-09T22:03:00.000-06:00

I hit that low point today. I miss my friend yes, I keep telling myself it's what's right but I hit that point where you're sitting there eating a TV dinner and you realize...that they don't miss you and that they aren't ever going to try and work it out. That you have a hard time not crying because you feel like a total loser because you don't have any other friends who actually want to hang out because they are too busy and all you want to do is go home and hang out with your friends from high school.

I don't believe in depression so I am sure that's not it. I won't take meds, I've just reached the breaking point here. I want to move back to WI, or out to CA. I just want to leave Utah, this state sucks, everything that has gone wrong in my life has happened in this state! No offence to someone who lives here but I jsut haven't had anything good happen while I was here. I take that back, I did meet Rory, and he loves me and always forgives me but other then that. NOTHING good has come of Utah.

Sorry for venting, I just had so much shit to do at work to night, now I'm like the fucking cleaning crew too. I had to shampoo the entire Responce center room and my bosses office all by myself tonight. Well it's been um...an intresting night. Two 12 hour shifts in a row will take it out of you. Oh well. My schedule is going to be changing and really sucky for a while. Yea...life will go on, I'm sure...

Boo is coming to visit soon...I hope, that's going to be awsome. I had some plans but I'll do some of them differently. Anways, I'm done, I'm good too! I fell much much better. I do, if anyone reads this thanks so much.

Doing better

2006-06-08T21:36:00.000-06:00

Well I'm doing much better. Things where rough there for a bit...however they turnned out much better then I could have planned. A quote I always heard was that "Your preformance must be greater then your applause" I can only assume mine was. Anyways, life is good, things are on the up and up at work. Life is great, and getting better all the time. I hope everything will work out and keep goign well

I have...

2006-06-05T18:06:00.000-06:00

I have a best freind. Well a few of them actually, but the one I want to talk about spacifically needs to be recognized. It has come to my attention that I am not good enough at pointing out how good he is to me. I have done nothing short of failing to tell him, and as such I have lost him. Where this saddens me it still needs to be said.

I've never managed to be friends with someone after I had dated them, he was insitant upon us staying frinds, it meant more to me that anything in the world. I was shocked that someone who knew me that well could still want to hang out with me. He has always been my sholder to cry on and my crutch to lean on him, I would not be where I am today without him.

Through a lot of hard times he stood by me, made me see that my life wasn't quite as bad as I thought it was. He made the hard days easier with just a phone call. I never thanked him enough for that. It was so comforting knowing that help and a friend was only a phone call away. He stayed with me a lot of nights I was afraid and alone in this world. Alway accepting me for who I was and for my imperfections of which their are many. He stood by me through some hard choices and has seen me when I 'm weak. I hate that he has seen me cry but he's never once looked down on me for it.

My friend has taken me shopping and lent me gas money more times then I could count and is alwasy really understanding of the fact that I'm sturggling. He doesn't hesitate to help me when he can and makes my choices easier. He let's me talk things out and sort them threw. He listens even when I ramble about nothing. And he choses me to listen when he has a problem, that makes me feel so special.

My friend is handsome, smart, kind, fun and all around wonderful. I can't even imagin life with out him. He has opened my eyes to so many things and made me a better person. Sadly because I am and idiot I have lost my best friend. He won't talk to me, he won't see me and he won't give me the chance to make things right. I'm sorry for what I've done, I can't ask to be forgiven anymore. I will always be here for you if you change your mind, you know I love you. You know I'll be there, please...if you see fit to talk to me, do so...I'll be waiting.

~A

Do you ever?

2006-05-16T18:29:00.000-06:00

Do you ever read someones blog (or myspace) just for laughs. Just to see what they think? And like what they don't know? And how they believe things. It's great sometimes. I mean honestly it is.

I also think it's funny to be accused of calling someone everynight, when HE calls you and when you're returning his calls, or his e-mail asked you to call. I just think it's funny that he tells me how much he loves me and things like that but you think I don't know. It's funny how everything gets blamed on you when it's not you, and it's funny that you don't know what nights he's not at work because you don't have the schedule and you have no clue until you read your amusement blog. But once you find out, you'll remember.

I also think it's funny that you hear about someone pulling the "OH I think my cancer is back and I might die and my life is over." right before the trip he's taking to see someone you know he cares for deeply. Oh how funny it is. However my luck isn't good enough for you to die. Sadly. But thanks for amusing me anyway.

On a better note. My schedule is getting fucked to all hell. I'm going to be working from like 9p-5a Friday night to Saturday morning then back in at 9p-5a for Sat and Sunday. That will be fan-fucking-tastic. Oh well. At least I can see the family. And my friends. Anyways...Hooray for money.

*Yawns* Work is going to be slow today. I can just feel it. Someone keep me company!

D-O-U-B-T

2006-05-15T19:03:00.000-06:00

DEFINITION: doubt ( P ) Pronunciation Key (dout)
v. doubtÂ·ed, doubtÂ·ing, doubts
v. tr.
To be undecided or skeptical about: began to doubt some accepted doctrines.
To tend to disbelieve; distrust: doubts politicians when they make sweeping statements.
To regard as unlikely: I doubt that we'll arrive on time.
Archaic. To suspect; fear.

v. intr.
To be undecided or skeptical.

n.
A lack of certainty that often leads to irresolution. See Synonyms at uncertainty.
A lack of trust.
A point about which one is uncertain or skeptical: reassured me by answering my doubts.
The condition of being unsettled or unresolved: an outcome still in doubt.

This word here Seems to explain my every day feeling about my life. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't know if anything in this world is true. I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. I've become skeptical of everyone and everything. I've become cold, serious...nothing like myself. I feel as if I've been wearlign all these masks and trying to hide behind them all of my life and now...all of a sudden I don't even know who the person looking back at me from the mirror is. It's really strange. I just don't want to be around anymore. I don't want to be alive. I wake up in the morning and just want to stop breathing. I have to remind myself that I'll find something to live for...

The only good news I've heard for a long time is that when I've hit six months at my job (09/15/06)I'll be getting a raise, and apparently it's a good one. I'm not sure how much but it's based on preformance and things like that. So I work my ass off day in and day out...it's hard but it's going to be worth it.

Reel Big Fish says it best...

2006-05-07T23:56:00.000-06:00

i'm givin' up
i know everything sucks, and this is gonna be the last
time you hear me complain

Everything Sucks
Reel Big Fish
Turn Your Radio Off

it's the little things

2006-05-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

It's the little things you do with people that aren't me. The things you'd never do with me because you're to scared or becuase you didn't like it. But not for them, you change for them, you're someone else, I don't know you. You can't even do me a small favor. It's all I've asked of you. I don't know what changes but wow.

It's like being lied to about someone you thought you knew better then you knew yourself. It's like forgetting who you are completely. It's losing all sence of self. I'm lost...

Only you can help me find me...but you're not helping...

Cinco de Mayo, Great day for the Mexican Revolution bad day for me...

2006-05-05T20:12:00.000-06:00

So, it's the 5th of May. Hooray for Mexican independence from the injustices of whoever was trying to take over Mexico at the time. For me...It was payday and in the blink of an eye all of my money was gone. I hate that. And then work was kind of crap. Not the people I work with mind you but just the day. It didn't go well. Just wasn't my day I guess...

I can't really explain it, but the day was just kind of a flop, I wanted it to be a good day, but I didn't wake up feeling well. My ribs hurt. So did my back, Other then that...Well I don't know what it was. I needed some help from a friend to let me know things would be alright...And they where of course pre-occupied. Ouch. Then my other friend was to busy reading a book to hang out with me...Ouch again. I think I should go home and suffocate under a pillow...End the suffering..

My dad thinks I'm a failure. Worst news of my life...And my brother is facing a minimum of 10 years in federal prison!

Mexican Revolution? I need a Revolution. Anyone got a plan? At least had I been in a war I could be dead from gunshots. Someone Shoot me!

Why?

2006-04-22T21:37:00.000-06:00

Why does my world revolve around you? Why does it feel like it stops when you're not here. Why does it seem no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, when you're not around I have no fun? Why do I sit around and just think about the fun times we've had and wish you where here to have more fun with me. Why do I care so much? Why do I want this friendship to last more then anything in the whole world? Why does it hurt so bad that you won't miss me? Why does it hurt so bad that you don't even drop me an e-mail? Why can't I stop crying because you're not here?

I really think at times that I shouldn't care. That it's not worth it, not worth the pain, the sorrow, the agony...But I can't let you go, I know that you won't do some things because of me and that's not good. I feel like such a lousy friend. I want to give you the world. But I don't want you to get hurt. I want you to have everything, but yet, I can give you nothing. I am so sorry...Please...Forgive me...

Cell phones...Airplanes...

2006-04-21T21:49:00.000-06:00

I hate that you can't use a cell phone on a plane. I hate even more that when you turn it off, you forget to turn it back on. I don't like that I can't get a hold of you for the longest time, and then when I do, I just get sad because I miss you. I hate that you're gone. I hate that you're going to have fun with out me.

I also hate girls who freak out about dumb comments. I was reading a friends post and someone commented about what he said and it was just dumb. If he'd said it about me I would have been like really happy. *sighs* But then again...He wouldn't say it about me...Still I think she freaked way more then she should have. I mean, it was a a nice thing. I think anyways...Oh well...

*yawns* I'm so tired. I want to go home and sleep. I'll be doing this again tomorrow night...Until 11pm...Then home, and back here on Sunday. Then my schedule gets all wacky because one of the girls here quit. *yawn* Oh my...Even though it's more hours I don't know that I want them...Someone just find me a pillow...

"Stupid Girls" - Pink

Could be a good thing...

2006-04-21T18:46:00.000-06:00

Damn Tiffany. Although she saved me from a fate worse then death. I heard some calls while I was there saying hi to everyone...and damn am I glad I'm not going back there. I really am...

Something strange happened the other day. He kissed me. I went to walk away and I'd already said bye and he said..."Hey come back here" so I walked back over and he put his arm around me and pulled me in...one of those "I'm going to kiss you" type pulls and he kissed me...it was amazing. I was so shocked, he could see it in my face. I think he was being smug about it to...but wow...what a kiss!

Anyways, Spin is gone to Vegas without me. I'm sad I'll miss him like hell. I love that boy so much. See you soon...bring me something pretty

AMA

Long Days...Longer nights

2006-04-18T17:48:00.000-06:00

I'm just so sick of not getting any sleep. It totally plays with my mind...I don't know what time it is or what I"m doing or supposed to be doing. Makes work hard, I feel like a robot, I say the same thing over and over all day. But it's good money. Yes...good money...I get paid Thursday...I'll buy me something nice.

I just don't know where I want to be. Maybe I should take up drinking...wouldn't that help? That could make my problems go away...

So I've made an evil little plan. I'm going to BEG Jeff for my job back at Dentrix and subject myself to 75 hour work weeks. It will get all the debt paid down in 6 months so that when Rory's GI bill runs out we won't be SOL. That will be nice. I've been struggling with this debt thing for a while so this is really going to help me feel like stuff is going to be ok. I'll be no existant for a while...but at the same time, able to take a fucking chill pill. I've been so stressed...things are finally going to get better...if Jeff will take me back, I throw myself at the pitty of Jeff!

Work was hell in a handbasket today. We where short people becase one of the girls called in sick, then the one who was on call was AWOL. She'd left her cell phone out in the car or something...don't know, but it was a lot of work becuase Dee Dee is training someone new and Rachel had to sit with one of the other girls to help her out. I was so fried at the end of the night I didn't know what to do.

Plus side, Spin bought me dinner at Porter's Place. MMMMMMMM! Buffalo Burger. And I got a cherry drink. It had sprite and cherry in it...and was in a fun cup..which I didn't get to keep...but life goes on.

Things are looking up...Hooray...

"Bad Day" Daniel Powder

And so

2006-04-16T18:50:00.000-06:00

So I was looking at some things...can't figure it out. Why am I so sad...when I'm at home, I'm sad...when I'm with him...Sad...but alone, with others, not sad, not sad at work...help me make sence of it...

Someone?

By the way

2006-04-09T17:28:00.000-06:00

I have good taste in music, I don't listen to just top 40 hits, and anyone who says otherwise can bite me, just becaues I don't like all the same music that you do doesn't make me bad. I listen to a lot more of your music then you think and bite my tounge and don't say anything! So ha! I say to you again HA! I will not conform and pretend to like all your music...

You know who you are! And yes, I'm talking to both of you!

I do like most of the movies you do on the up side of things! Come hang out with me! Spend some time, I miss you

And now...

2006-04-09T17:20:00.000-06:00

Well things have been...well they have been and not bad is at least better then horrible. Things are just kind of floating. I started the new schedule at work, I'll be working afternoon/evening. So I don't have to get up horribly early which is nice, but my schedule clashes with everyone elses which is not.

We got the tent out today and set it up. It's a great tent and I'm excited to go camping. We found a $9 air mat bed (on clearence) at Wal-mart, so that will make it so I can go with out my back hurting. The kids are excited. I haven't been camping here yet so I'm excited for that.

Work is good. I work with pretty cool people. But being sunday...things are slow. So I'm kind of bored. They got a bunch of the work done this morning before I got here so it left us really slow. Only a half hour left today. SO excited to go home.

There is a Russian place to eat here. I'm going to take Rory, he'll love it. He hasn't had Russian food in years. We need a date. He got a new job. He starts Tuesdays working nights. So we'll be on a better schedule.

Hum...nothing much else to say.

I wish I had a good picture, maybe I"ll find one...

I hate Ribs

2006-03-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

So my best friend and I have started tanning. But he burnt his dick last night while we went and has been crabby. He almost didn't do anything with me tonight. That would have hurt my feelings. But I had to come down to his place. Found out it wasn't that he was sore from the burning but he grandpa was making ribs....apparently ribs are better then I am. I hate ribs, I'm never eating them again.

My other bestfriends Dad has died. I guess I knew it was going to happen, but when she called me at 7am I wasn't expecting that. I couldn't be there. I'm a lousy friend. I just have no money now...But I talked to her on the phone, and on the net. I'm still the most horrible friend ever. But I love you Boo and I know that everything will be ok. You look beautiful in the pictures.

Another girl I thought was my friend apparently isn't. She's a bitch so it's not like it's a big deal. I won't have to see her anymore...and she doesn't call me. So it's her loss. Plus she's never been all that great. I just felt sorry for her so that's why I was her friend. That will teach me to be nice to stupid people.

I got a new job. I'm a dispatcher for Rescue Alert. I get to work for those old people who have buttons and push them for help. They are so cute and sweet. Always polite and say we're so wonderful. It's like the best job ever. I make a good wage plus shift differential. So sometimes $10.50 an hour. Plus I can get over time and paid on call time. So it's great. I work with some really awesome people too. They are all really nice and help me when I need it. It's a small company I know the President. He's very funny and very smart.

Mostly girls work in dispatch so I'll get to make some good friends. I hope anyways. I've not had good girlfriends in a long time besides my dear Boo. So I hope that goes well. Some of them I get along with well...others it may take some time getting to know them. Dee Dee my boss (Dispatch Supervisor) is the best boss ever. She's so understanding and kind and funny.

I'm still upset with my friend abit...but I'm sure I'll get past it. Life is good. I've been busy lately and that's nice. We got Kailey potty trained no thanks to the Ice Bitch Heather. And our boys seem to do better with us rather then her and Father Time their step-dad J (honestly who names their son "J" with no meaning behind it?)so I hate to have to take them home...but what do you do?

Rory lost his job back a bit, I thought things would be hard. Funny story though: On Monday I went to the library (right after the Friday Rory lost his job) I went to the library to post a resume on Monster.com (mad props to them)and the space bar on the library's computer was broken so I only filled it out about 1/2 way...got pissed as hell and left. Tuesday morning ata 8:08am Dee Dee called responding to my resume. I got hired that day and started Wednesday! How cool. Then for 2 days after I kept getting calls with an incomplete resume! LOL!

Dad is having one of my uncles look for a van for us...sick, I swore I'd never drive one...and here I am about to own a van. I hate my life. Ok not really but damn...So I'll have to put my kids in soccer and be a soccer mom! My mother in law and father in law are coming in May to visit. I'm so excited. I miss them a lot. Then we're going to try to go there in September. So I hope we can. I have to try not to be sick from work so I have time off.

Grandma is doing a bit better, so that's nice. She's still not going to last very long I fear. But now that mom is gone it's not as hard with Grandma, I just want her to be comfortable and not in pain. I'll miss her though. My poor Grandpa is just upset about the whole thing though...so I hope he'll be alright.

Like I said before my brother was arrested for drugs, and intent to make cocain bace and sell or something. They found $70,000 in drugs in the hotel room that was under his name. I thought he was smarter then that...he is facing federal drug charges and is facing 5 years in prison. At least we'll know where he is.

That's all for now I think. I hope anyone reading this enjoys it. Anyone who doesn't know me just know I'm venting. Anyone who does...comment...please.

<3
Austen

Hi!

2006-03-27T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not dead....just so you know....

I'm just not having internet right now....so yea...

My bro is in Jail....I hope they will let him go....oh well

I love you boo...I miss your dad too...

This is just so funny...

2006-01-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

How Is Your Star Wars Sex Life? by bisleysgirl
lj username
Your Sex Life:

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Hi time

2006-01-24T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I admit it...it's hi time I write something. I've been so sick lately though I can't even think straight. I've been throwing up everything. I feel like absolute shit. Someone shoot me in the head, or lodge a bullet in my back so that pain will stop. I'll be honest...I'd rather be dead then feel like I do.

On the plus side I found out someone who I thought hated me doesn't hate me at all. So that was kind of nice. I went shopping with my friend and we ran into another friend who was with his wife, I know he likes me and wishes we'd dated but he was married, I had mentioned to the friend I was with some time ago that my friend couldn't look me in the face when he saw me because he liked me. And when we walked away my friend started laughing and said "He can't look you in the face" it was really funny. I love going shopping with Spin, it's so fun. I love that we can still hang out.

As far as WoW goes I've become a lvl 34 and and working on some killer quests. It sucks because I never seem to get ahead. Most of my quests are red which means I can't do them yet...and the orange ones are too hard, I don't have any green and only one yellow. both of which I could do...but they are "group quests" meaning I can't do them alone...which sucks

Staying at home with the kids kind of sucks. I want to go back to work. Anyone from Dentrix reading this...I miss you so bad! I hope all is well. I need food...but can't eat it...I'm off for now...

Yet another song...but I really like them...I love me some music....

2006-01-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

The Way I Do...
MARCOS HERNANDEZ

Your kiss, your smile, your mind
You're sunlight in my eyes
I miss your breath on my neck
When we whisper in the night

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up
And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done

Now I can't go on without you
I'm naked, I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

Your touch, your skin, can't believe the way you let me in
Don't rush tonight, I need you like the ocean needs the tide.

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up
And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done

Now I can't go on without you
I'm naked, I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

I always thought I would stand on my own
Climb a mountain top all alone
Relying, depending on no one
Now look at what you've done

Now I can't go on without you
I'm naked, I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

Never thought I could love you
Never thought I could need you
Never thought I could want you
The way I do

Never thought I could love you
Never thought I could need you
Never thought I could want you
The way I do

I love you
I need you
I want you
..the way I do
[x2]

Reminds me...

2006-01-17T10:50:00.000-07:00

A photo, can say a thousand things
But it can't say the million things
I wanna say
A photo, can capture the way we were
But it can't capture the way we are
Cause you're far away

What it's like to know you
What it's like to touch you
Yeah...

When you told me that you loved me
Were those just words?
You can't tell me you don't need me
And I know that hurts
Cause I'm looking at your picture
Cause it's all I got
Maybe one day, you and me will have
One more shot

Timing, lost minutes and moments
Yeah, I might be lonely, girl
But I'm not afraid
In a second, it all comes right back to me
No, nothing's forgotten now
Yeah, everything's saved

What it's like to touch you
What it's like to know you
Yeah...

When you told me that you loved me
Were those just words?
You can't tell me you don't need me
And I know that hurts
Cause I'm looking at your picture
Cause it's all I've got
Maybe one day you and me will have
One more shot

You were my life
You were my faith
You gave me hope everyday

WHen you told me that you loved me
Were those just words
You can't tell me you don't need me
And I know that hurts
Cause I'm looking at your picture
Cause it's all I got
Maybe one day you and me will have
One more shot

Photo - Ryan Cabrera

Seseme Street

2006-01-13T22:19:00.000-07:00

Kermit the Frog
You scored 47% Organization, 50% abstract, and 74% extroverted!

This test measured 3 variables.

First, this test measured how organized you are. Some muppets like Cookie Monster make big messes, while others like Bert are quite anal about things being clean.

Second, this test measured if you prefer a concrete or an abstract viewpoint. For the purposes of this test, concrete people are considered to gravitate more to mathematical and logical approaches, whereas abstract people are more the dreamers and artistic type.

Third, this test measured if you are more of an introvert or an extrovert.
By definition, an introvert concentrates more on herself and an
extrovert focuses more on others. In this test an introvert was
somebody that either tends to spend more time alone or thinks more
about herself.

You are mostly organized, both concrete and abstract, and more extroverted.

Here is why are you Kermit the Frog.

You are both somewhat organized. You have a good
idea where you put things and you probably keep your place reasonably
clean. You aren't totally obsessed with neatness though. Kermit is also
reasonably tidy. He'll even dress up for interviews.

You both are sometimes concrete and sometimes abstract thinkers. Kermit
spends a lot of his time as a reporter collecting facts, but he is also
the author of the dreamy song "The Rainbow Connection." You have a good
balance in your life. You know when to be logical at times, but you
also aren't afraid to explore your dreams and desires... within limits
of course.

You are both extroverts. Kermit gets along with everyone. Sure a few
folks annoy him, but that's just because they are annoying. Kermit
likes to meet new people when he does his job as a street reporter. You
definitely enjoy the company of others, and you don't have problems
meeting new people... in fact you probably look forward to it. You are
willing to take charge when necessary or work as part of a team.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, Kermit starred on Sesame Street years before The Muppet Show.

The other possible characters are

Oscar the Grouch

Big Bird

Snuffleupagus

Ernie

Elmo

Cookie Monster

Grover

The Count

Guy Smiley

Bert

If you enjoyed this test, I would love the feedback! Also if you want
to tell me your favorite Sesame Street character, I can total them up
and post them here. Perhaps your choice will win!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 28% on Organization
You scored higher than 47% on concrete-abstra
You scored higher than 82% on intro-extrovert

Link: The Your SESAME STREET Persona Test written by greencowsgomoo on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Mmmm...Donut

2006-01-13T21:30:00.000-07:00

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.

What Donut Are You?

And now we know...

2006-01-10T11:15:00.001-07:00

Your Eyes Should Be Violet

Your eyes reflect: Mystery and allure

What's hidden behind your eyes: A quiet passion

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

Late

2006-01-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

I stay up to late...I should really stop that, but I'd have to stop playing WoW....like that's going to happen

Who I am hates who I've been...

2006-01-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won't take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

A song that fits me...

2006-01-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome To My Life

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

~Simple Plan

Miss you

2006-01-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

Well Spin I miss you! Come home from Vegas...

or take me with you next time...

Well...

2006-01-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

So another new year. Another one to mess up and to get used and abused. I've desided the day my little Kailey turns 18 I'm going to buy her a car. In her glove box I'm going to make a great big pop out card that says "Thanks for turnning 18 so we don't have to deal with your mom anymore." I love that little girl. She's so excited when she sees me and loves to play with me.

I have a great husband who loves me and takes really good care of me. I love him so much. Honey you're so cute. Iv'e never been happier, unless it was that time when we where in CA...that was fun, we had a great time there. He's trying to get us a job at Blizzard games...that would be really cool! I love you honey!

We got a family picture taken. It's a wonderful picture, I'm going to scan it in so I can post it on here for you all to see. I have adorable children. They really are cute. I just have to tell you...they are great kids.

I've got my Mage on World of Warcraft to a lvl 24 and partway threw her 25. It's really fun. I now have an Undead warlock, and a troll who's a Rogue, and also one that is a human preistest. All very cool. Yay!

Merry Christmas

2005-12-26T02:14:00.000-07:00

"I got a dollar and sixteen cents"

2005-12-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

My blog is worth $2,258.16.
How much is your blog worth?

What kind of food...

2005-12-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

You Are Chinese Food

Exotic yet ordinary.
People think they've had enough of you, but they're back for more in an hour.

What Kind of Food Are You?

Pie

2005-12-08T05:10:00.000-07:00

You Are Cream Pie

You're the perfect combo of simplicity and divinity
Those who like you life for understated pleasures

What Kind of Pie Are You?

Candy

2005-12-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups

Very popular, one of you is not enough.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

Crayon

2005-12-07T05:20:00.000-07:00

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Kind of Ex...

2005-12-07T05:13:00.000-07:00

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex. You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind. As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

Of course this doesn't apply to Spin, He and I are still great friends! I love you Spin!

World of Warcrack

2005-12-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

Ok so I've been playing World of Warcraft (or WoW as some people refer to it) and it's like crack. I can't stop playing. I love it so much, it feels so great to have something fun to do with my friends. I'm a level 13 and I've only had it, well the trial for 10 days! Go me! I rock. My Mage is a tailor and she's just awesome. Her name is Austy if anyone is looking for her.

I love Christmas, it's so nice to see people happy, and to give people gifts. Oh it's so wonderful. The snow is wonderful and so very pretty. But you know I can't afford to get everyone the wonderful gifts I want. We got Heather (the Xwife) a nice gift from the kids. She's getting married this week so we know the kids will have a good Christmas. It's wonderful. I'm really happy that we're all going to be happy. Life is so good.

You know something, I relaly hate when you end up calling people and it's the wrong number because it just so happens that they are right next to the person you're trying to call. I called my friend Jen, and ended up calling someone else, it's horrible because when you look down and figure out that it was the wrong number and hang up and then someone get's all upset because she thinks the world revolves around her. But whatever. He's stuck with her, not my problem...

I am so excited about spending Christmas with his family. We're going to Brigham City for Christmas eve, and then we'll take the kids home and have Christmas here with our best friend. I adore that we can have a best friend who is mutual to us. Spin is so great and he's just great. A wonderful guy. Where I hope that someday he'll find a girl who loves him and cares about him and deserves him, I don't want it to be soon. I love spending time with him and I love that he has time for me. I love him so much. He means a lot to me.

I'm trying to desied what to make for Christmas morning!? I'm either going to make pancakes, caramelized french toast, coffee cake muffins, or what. I just don't know, I want to make the boys lots of good food to eat. All of this makes me uber excited to go to cooking school. I'd be making all of it from scratch. They are just so great to eat what I make, but they always say they like it. They really should be harder on me. I wish they would. But they don't.

Anways...I'm going with Rory to the dentist and then we're going to finish our Christmas shopping and part of my gift is going to be the full version of WoW so yay me. I'm so excited. He's a great guy. My husband. I'm so happy. My life is so good, and I love him so much.

I love my inlaws. I just want them to know how special to they are to me. It's really great that I can love to move close to them even though that I'd rather be near them then as far away from them as possible like with Kent's mom. I hated being around her because I just know she didn't like me that much. I love everything about them. I'm so lucky. My life is not as bad as I thought it was. Even with my lousy job that I'm quitting. After that, my life will be almost perfect. The only way it could be better was if I lived closer to my inlaws and that my dad moved out there to.

I think I've been forgotten

2005-11-27T01:54:00.000-07:00

By my best friend from high school. I never hear from her anymore. I'm not sure that she remembers me. I'm never in her blog, she's never then when I call, and she's never online anymore. Now I know she's busy and I know she's got a life away from me but I really feel like I'm losing her. See even when she does talk to me well...she will talk for a bit, then get busy again doing something else, so I never really get to talk to her. It makes me sad. I care about her and I miss her. I always want what's best for her but you know I feel like I've just really lost her.

Anyways...I'm good, I'm going to be quitting my job to take care of my kids more. I'll have our little girl all day and then the boys after school. I'll work on finding a part time job at night so that we have some extra income. I'm excited to get to kind of be the mom. That will be good.

Life is good

Do you ever?

2005-11-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get one of those e-mails that you don't know what to do with? That you have no idea how to handle? That no matter how much you really do want to hear what's in it you don't? The one that makes you speachless and was totally out of the ordinary. The one that confuses the hell out of you making you wonder if you totally missed something? I feel that way right now. I got this email from an old friend of mine that really shocked and amazed me. I'm not sure, well I don't know waht to think or what to do...or even what to really say to him...He's a great guy and he's really sweet but with my hubby and my friends and his girlfriend and stuff...well I don't know, it just means like I'm even more lost and confused then before. He really screws with my head and doesn't always tell me everything (he doesn't lie, just doesn't tell me the whole truth you know?)but I'm just well...lost. He's...he's a good guy, I care about him. I do, and you know I just want him know how important he is to me. So if he reads this, You're important to me.

For the rest of you, Thanksgiving, oh yes, rocked out loud. We had a good time on the trip, did lost of swimming, ate lots of food. The kids had a great time. I even kicked a field goal! Yay me! I rock.

I saw Harry Potter on the friday after it came out. Very good movie. I went with my best friend as well as my Hubby. So it was really fun. We all had a great time and had to stand in line for an hour and a half. We ate pizza and drank pop in line and almost knocked out the annoying kid behind us. What an idiot!

Stuff

2005-11-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

Well today is the one year mark sense mom died. It sucks really but I've been taking it well I think. I haven't cried. Although, I haven't had much feeling at all...I'm trying not to think about it. I just would rather not feel then have to feel that kind of pain.

Thanks giving will be spent with my family up in Idaho. I hope it will be fun...

I'll report more later...

Princess Sparklepants (that's for you Brandon!) =)

Fine Fine Line...

2005-11-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Some people can't be fake enough...

2005-11-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

You know what pisses me off...when girls who are dating your friends act like they care about you and who you are. And they act like they give a damn about what you've been up to or what you've been doing. And if she doesn't act fake enough threw all that then she says she's worried because he hasn't talked to you in a few days...as Ron White would say...BULLLLLLLSHIT!

Anyways, it was a great day at work, I looked really good and we had such a good time being dressed up yesterday for halloween we where all happy but tired. I dressed up like an auto macanic. I had black stuff on my face and arms too. We turned our team into a cave and that was cool too. Everyone dressed up almost. It was lots of fun.

Then I came home and did nothing. but that's ok, I didn't need to do anything. It was really nice to just relax here at home. But it was so cold last night I don't think many children went trick-o-treating. Which was ok, because now I have candy....MMMMM candy. We watched "With out a Paddle" the night before so that was really fun. I enjoyed it a lot I laughed my head off. What a great movie.

It's been just short of a year...Mom is still gone, it was really hard to grasp that today. I've been just heart broken...here the time has come to remember her and I'm still so confused about the whole thing...life has changed so much lately. I don't know what's going on in my life any more. I miss my mom...sometimes I cry at night and just want my mommy. I know that's childish but I don't care...I need you mom...I need you really bad...I'm so lost Mom...I'm so lost...

"Don't Bother" -Shakira

So they say this is me....

2005-10-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

The Sudden Departure

Random Brutal Love Master (RBLMf)

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call.

You are The Sudden Departure.

You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

Your exact opposite:
The Intern

Deliberate Gentle Sex Dreamer

We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Backrubber, The Gentleman

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: rorysgirl2

My life quiz...I stole it from Spin

2005-10-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.9
Mind:	7.1
Body:	8
Spirit:	8.8
Friends/Family:	8.8
Love:	9.1
Finance:	5.3
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Hey everyone...What's new?

2005-10-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone what's new? I haven't blogged for a little bit. So I thought I'd just write down how I'm feeling. Basicly right now...Scared. One of my very best friends is down in Mississippi (I think this is why we abbreviate states, what do you think?) in training for the Army or something and I'm just worried that once he goes over there (to Iraq) he won't come home. He promised me he'd come back, and in one piece, but you know I don't know. I adore him and I would cry myself sick if anything happened to him.

Well anyways, so he gets a hold of me online and says hey I need your number, then I gave it to him and he said he'd call me tonight. Well he did. It was great. He called me and we talked for a long time and he said he still loves me, ok well actually I asked him and he said yes...then he actually said "I love you Austen" and he said it again when we hung up. I was so unsure as to what to say. He's just a great guy and I worry so much that he won't come home, I want to go kiddnap him and save him.

As far as life other then that goes...I'm good. Tomorrow is Halloween at work. We decorated and we're going to decorate tomorrow. I've got to come up with some kind of costume so I don't have a clue. Then I'm going to stay home and do nothing but hand out candy and possibly be here online. But other then that...nothing. I don't have a party to go to or anything and that sucks. I wish I did.

My best friend here in Utah is possibly going on a date...I hate that. You know I wouldn't hate it so much if I hadn't dated him. He's wonderful, I adore him and I just want him to be so happy but I don't want anyone to hurt him, even though I know I did. He deserves more then perfect and I don't think I'll like anyone he dates. To tell you the truth, I hate sharing him with his parents. They're visiting and I don't like it. But he did bring it up the Play Station for me to play. It was nice of him. But I really don't want him going on a date! DON'T GO! PLEASE! SHE'S EVIL!!!!!

And I haevn't talked to Boo lately so Boo. I love you so please talk to me. I MISS YOU! You're so awesome and I hate when you're not here!

Happy daylight savings everyone. And happy Halloween!!

Picture courtesy of JadenKale

Shout Out

2005-10-24T18:21:00.000-06:00

Rory, you're a great husband I love you, I miss you and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I adore and love you, I will charish and keep you and I hope that no matter what we're always together, because rain or shine I'd pick you over anyone else time after time. You've made me so happy over the last 9 months that I can't even begin to say thank you. You are nothing short of my EVERYTHING

Spin I love you, just so you know, as a friend I love you so much! You'll always be my good friend and I'll always be here for you. Always, just so you know. You're the best friend a girl who moved from Wisconsin to Idaho then to Texas then to Utah ever had! You're so wonderful! And I love how you have style and fashion!

Andrea where do I even start, from fifth grade until now you've been there for me everytime I needed you. I know that I have a long way to go as a friend but I'm glad you still care, I miss you so much and I can't wait until I see you again. I'm excited for whenever that will be....You're still my best friend and my sister. I'd be lost with out you....

Sandy, Jenny, Josh, and Nick, thank you guys for being there for me too. I'm so glad to have gotten to be friends with you in high school and I'm so glad to know that we're still great friends. I'm so glad that you all want to see me when ever I come home. I love you all

Beth, thank you for helping me with my blog, thank you for making everything beautiful. Thank you for all you've done for me. Thanks for still being my friend and for just talking to me when I need that. And for being so smart. You're great!

To all my friends at work, you guys make the day more bareable. You make me laugh and you make me smile. The dirty board is great and so is making fun of Diana. You all are great and I actually like being there. It's funny how work can become our sanctuary away from things isn't it? Thanks for keeping my otherwise dreary day from making me more stressed then anything...

To my children, you are the love and light of my life. I love you all so much. I will always be there for you, I will do everything to be the best step mom that I can. I'll support your dreams, I'll hold you when you cry. I'll make you smile and laugh, I'll kiss your ouches and I'll give you loves and kisses whenever I can. You are sweethearts and I love you. Never forget that

To my father and brothers. I love you all so much. You've been there for me and loved me no matter what. I just want to say thank you. I love you so very much, you're my most valuble assest. I want you all to know how much I love you and how I'll always be there for you. I have enjoyed every moment with you. and I look forward to more time with you all.

In the back seat with the windows fogged up....

2005-10-21T23:43:00.000-06:00

So life is mostly good. Work is stressing me...I don't like it as much as a used to. My team is great. We're all very close and we're getting to know each other well. We're getting ready for Halloween and I'm so excited. We get to dress up and we get to decorate our areas. We're going to do something like "The Gates of Hell" and it's great...we're totally going to win.

But life is always stressful. Bills to pay and not enough money to do it with, but hubby has a new job and money is getting better and we're going to be alright. I'm hoping that we can have a nice Christmas.

We get the kids for Thanksgiving and we're taking our kids up to Idaho to my father's parents. It will be a big todo and my family will get to meet the person who means more to me in the world then anything. I'm so excited. It's a great family. And my kids will fit in so well. I know they are excited to go and see my brother and my dad. My dad loves being a grandpa. I think even though he did say he didn't want to be an instant grandpa he's enjoying it.

Anyways...we've been married for a bit over a month now and our sex life does lack. I would like to do it more. But that's ok...maybe I can find a nice place where it's dark and would be just us and we could fog up the back windows of that car....it would be great. That's what we need...hot dirty sex!!

Dashboard Confessional

2005-10-14T01:07:00.000-06:00

I just have to say I like the band.

I also have to say, I love having a great friend who's a guy. I also love being told I'm pretty and hot! Boy did I hear that today! Hooray for the boob shirt!

I also admit that my dashboard, is very dusty....and my breaks need to get changed. Probably a good idea before I like die...

"Internet is for Porn"
Avenue Q Soundtrack

What's New

2005-10-08T12:25:00.000-06:00

Well hello everyone. Life is good for me right now, for the most part. I'm a bitt miffed with a friend of mine for not telling me he got his girlfriend all knocked up and such. It's like he thought I'd be mad. Truth is, I don't care, he's not with me, and it's not like hte got some other girl knocked up at that point but honestly I really don't. I am very happy with my firends and my husband and my life how it is right now...it's great.

The only think I don't like is my ex wife. Well his ex wife, but she's just not very nice some of the time. I wish she'd just be a bit more greatful. It hurts me that she can't be thankful for anything. She really did say thank you for us taking the kids monday, so I'm excited. It was really nice. We'll see how that goes

Random Fun

2005-09-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Romantic Quotes:

2005-08-14T00:05:00.000-06:00

You're nothing short of my everything.
~ Ralph Block~

To have the rose, you must accept the thorns.
~Joe Sin~

In order to get to the Rainbow, you must first conquer the rain.
~Unknown~

Distance between two hearts is not an obstacle...rather a beautiful reminder of just how strong true love can be.
~Unknown~

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while, so when you are lonely, remember this is true: Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
~Unknown~

I believe...

2005-08-02T23:18:00.000-06:00

- in love at first sight
- in feeling like you're in high school all over again when you're in love
- in the fact that even when you clean something it tends to get dirty again
- in the fact that no matter how bad the relationship with your father is, if you make an effort, it will turn around and you'll get along great
- in second chances
- in being right about the one you love and sticking with it even if the point seems null and void becaues he wants to get back together with his ex-wife and it doesn't work that time so you get him back because he realized that he loved you and not her all along.
- in putting forth your best effort in anything
- in the blue collar comedy tour being on of the things that helps make your family look much better
- in loving your little brother despite all the dumb stuff he does on a daily basis
- in needing to date eachother and cort for a bit longer then seven months from dating to marriage
- that long distant relationships never work and shouldn't
- in getting married being the best thing for some people
- in cuddling on the couch
- in lether couches and big squishy captian's chairs
- smiling because it makes people wonder what your thiniking
- smiling because of how he makes you feel when you talk to him in the morning, when you get an email from him, when he touches your hand and your heart expoldes when he touches your hand and when he kisses you your heart melts
- in him
- in best friends being able to stay friends threw everything that happens and threw all the hurt and pain someone could go threw and can alway be there for each other
- in my best friend and the desisions she made
- in friends being supportive during times in your life when you make silly choices and not rubbing your face in them and saying "I told you so"
- in being there for your boyfriend's kids when they need just just like you'd be there for him
- in making your life the best you can by doing whatever it takes to be happy

He Loves Me, He loves me a lot!

2005-08-01T23:37:00.000-06:00

So he's pretty much popped the question. He's taken my diamond and found a new ring to put it in, I know he wants to ask when the kids are there so that's every other weekend, now to figure out which one...

Oh the joys of being in love, and of dating and just spending time with someone! It is one of the most amazing feelings! Dad and KC are flying out here to meet him this month and then in September we're off for 4 days to Cali for a fun filled trip with his family. I couldn't be more happy! Clap for me ya'll!

MIT (Hooray for Chad)

2005-07-20T17:31:00.000-06:00

it's been a long time blah

2005-07-20T17:16:00.000-06:00

So I'm sitting here at home and being sick but I'm not as sick as I was this morning. Spin and I are going to see Wedding Crashers tonight and I'm going to be spending lots of time just being at home this weekend and I don't particularly care much about what I'm doing. But you know I just feel really burned out at work and in general.

I've come to the realization that I hate being lonely. I don't like being by myself. It used to be so nice to know that Kent was there even though we didn't do anything together. it was nice having his company. Now that he's in MI I don't know what to do. I mean even though we aren't together I still miss knowing that he's close and that he can be there for me. At least other friends can be there for me. I do so apprciate it when I have friends with me who can make sure I am ok.

I read the new Harry Potter book. I read it on Saturday. It was really good. I have some ideas about what might happen in the next book. But I don't know for sure. I hope she get's the book out soon and I hope that we get to see a lot of the movies. I'd love them. I think they did a good job with the casting and everything.

I've taken to watching dumb showes as I only have 13 and 4 on my TV sense they turnned off my cable because I wasn't paying for it. I don't think he should have turned it off....the jerks. Nate from Opera is cute. But I can't stand Opera for the most part. Although maybe she could help me find my biological mother. Hum, maybe I should look at that. Well I have nothing to say so I'll just sign off
AMP

the color blue

2005-07-15T18:02:00.000-06:00

You're the color blue. You have the three c's in
life--you're cool, caring and confident.
Trustworthy and honest, people are naturally
attracted to you. You're unusually optimistic,
but that makes life all the better. You're an
imaginative person who loves sleeping and
dreaming. Hard-working and determined, you
excell in school. You're everybody's favorite,
and this is because you have this undefined
richness in your personality and attitude.
Mild-tempered and stable. Not to mention very
intelligent. Along with the fact that you're
conservative, you're worried about the
environment. So basically, you're a generous,
dependable and devoted--just the kind of person
everybody needs. Wouldn't it be great if
everybody in the world were like you?

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Hello

2005-07-10T12:18:00.000-06:00

Well hello everyone it's been a long time sense I've written. I just can't even begin to catch you up.

I want my best friend to know how much I love her. She's the light in my life. She makes me so very happy. I love been so close to someone who means so much to me. She's like my sister and it's wonderful to have someone like that. I hope all of you have someone like that. I love you Boo!

I do like my new job. I'm a tech support rep for Dentrix Dental Systems. It's pretty awesome. I get to talk to dentists and Dental offices about problems with their software or how to use it as they won't read the book. Dentists are dumb people. They are good at what they do but not when it comes to computers. They want someone to tell them how to do it, they also don't want to have to wait to talk to use but unfortunatly there are only 65 of us. and until we meet our phone time they won't hire to many new poeple.

The company also fouces more on getting new people in then keeping the people who are already there staying. We don't have a lot of job security and it scares a lot of people who work tehre and they are looking for new jobs. We're losing a lot of people and at risk for losing more of them it kind of sucks.

I'll be going back to school soon. I think I'm going to get a business degree. And possibly a minor in computers. it's exciting. I can't wait to get back to school.

~AMP

Choices

2005-06-11T19:47:00.000-06:00

So I have the option to date quite a few people. And I don't know what to do. I have my options but I don't know what to do. I know who I want to be with but it seems impossible. I don't know....anyone with advice let me know!

Hey Y'all

2005-05-30T17:27:00.000-06:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

yay!

2005-04-26T22:28:00.000-06:00

Austen Marie Porter's Aliases

Your movie star name: Sickers Vern

Your fashion designer name is: Austen London

Your socialite name is: Hoo Vegas

Your fly girl / guy name is: A Por

Your detective name is: Cat Holmen

Your barfly name is: Cookie Sex On The Beach

Your soap opera name is: Marie CTH Z

Your rock star name is: Sickers Cars

Your star wars name is: Auspud Porjam

Your punk rock band name is The: Happy! Kinkey Pens

The Amazing Meganame Generator

More about me...not that we care, but more!

2005-03-13T17:37:00.000-07:00

Name: Austen

* School: soon...very soon

* Eyes:Grey

* Hair: dark brown

* Height: 5'3"

* Shoe Size: 9

* Who lives with you: Kent...for now

* When is your bedtime? When I go to sleep

------------------HAVE YOU EVER------------------

* Flown on a plane: Yes

* Ever been so drunk that you blacked out: Nope, don't drink

* Missed school because it was raining: No, I don't think so

* Put a body part on fire for amusement: No....I haven't

* Had a crush on a friends girlfriend/boyfriend: Maybe...

* Been hurt emotionally: I know of no one who hasn't

* Kept a secret from everyone: Yes

* Had an imaginary friend: when I was little

* Ever thought an animated character was hot?: No

* Been on stage: Yes.

* Cut your hair: by myself once when I was a little kid...but I get it cut

* Had crush on a teacher?: No

------------ -----------------------------------------------------------

* Fav Color: Yellow

* Day/Night: Night

* Summer/Winter: summer

* Lace or Satin: all of the above

* Cartoon Character: Timmy!

* Fave Food: anything I cook for other people

* Fave Advertisement: Um...that one...where there is this guy...oh nevermind

* Fave Drink: Hot Cocoa....

* Person to talk to online: My Love

* Fave sport: um...hockey to watch

-----------------RIGHT NOW------------------

* Wearing: T shirt!

* Eating: Nothing

* Drinking: Nothing

* Thinkin bout : my friends

* Listening to: the TV

---------------IN THE LAST 24 HRS------------------

* Cried:Yes

* Worn jeans: Yes

* Met someone New online: No

* Done laundry: No

* Drove a car: yes.

* Talked on the phone: Yuppers.

* Kissed someone: Caleb...he's a baby...but I put a big lipstick kiss on his cheek! I love little Caleb!

* Said Yup!

---------------DO YOU BELIEVE IN--------------

* Yourself: most of the time

* Your friends: Yes I do

* Destiny/Fate: Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.

* Angels: Yes, but not in the way you might

* Ghosts: No

* UFO's: No

* God: yes

---------------THE LAST TIME YOU--------------

Showered: this morning

Stepped outside: like an hour ago

Romantic memory: holding hands with someone very important to me and feeling something wonderful radiating from them

---------------RANDOMS--------------

Your Good Luck Charm: um...I don't think I have one...I should get one!

Person You Hate Most: don't believe in that!

Best Thing That Has Happened: Lately? I got a job, and a new car!

On your desk: let me see if I can find my desk...

Ice Cream: vanilla

Season: Fall, or summer

Breakfast Food: French toast!

---------------DO YOU EVER--------------

Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: Yes

Save AIM conversations: Yes.

Save E-mails: yeah, can't really help it. G-mail

Forward secret E-mails: Nope.

Wish you were someone else: Just once.

Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: Oh hell no

Wear perfume: Yes, me smell good, ask anyone I work with!

Kiss : kissing is so lovely!

Cuddle: Yes....I like to cuddle

Go online for longer than eight hours at a time: not anymore. work work work

---------------HAVE YOU EVER--------------

Fallen for your best friend?: Yes...it's nice

Made out with JUST a friend? Yha!

Kissed two people in the same day? Um...everyone has!

Had sex with two different people in the same day? Well yes...but I feel bad about it, I do! really! I'm not like that!

Been rejected: I don't think so...

Been in love?: Yes, and falling is the best part

Used someone?: not that I wanted to...but I did...

Been used?: Yes...but...well ok it happens a lot

Been kissed?: Yes...of course...but sometimes better then others

Done something you regret?: We all do...but I'll be fine

Me me me...lots about me

2005-03-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

100 QUESTIONS!!!!

HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Kissed your cousin: On the cheek once
2. Ran away: Nope
3. Pictured your crush naked: No...well maybe
4. Skipped school: yes
5. Broken someone's heart: Yup
6. Been in love: Yes
7. Cried when someone died: Yes
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: Yes....well...I'll get him
9. Broken a bone: sprains but no breaking
10. Done something embarrassing: Yes
11. Lied: Maybe leave something out...that's important
12. Cried in school: Yes

WHICH IS [BETTER]...
13. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi
14. Sprite or 7UP: 7-up when I'm sick
15. Girls or Guys: Boys to kiss and be friends, but I like girls too...as friends
16. Flowers or Candy: Flowers
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: I like my boy a little scruffy!
18. Blondes or Brunetts: Eaither....
19. bitchy or slutty: Neaither....I think I might be bitchy sometimes
20. Tall or Short: in the middle
21: Pants or Shorts: Pants
22. Night or Day: night

WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX...
23. What do you notice first? Smile
24. Like Being Spanked: in a playful manner, and rarely at that.
25. Worst Question For Her/Him to ask: Where do we go now?
26. Showered: yes
27. Stepped outside: I don't think...well I stepped outside once....I think
28. Had Sex: Well yes....

ABOUT YOU...
29. Ever been Engaged/ Married:Yes
30. Your Good luck charm: I should get one huh?
31. Person You Hate Most: Don't hate
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: Getting my new job
33. Where did it go?: money
34. Picture on your desktop: Gavin McGraw
36. Movie:I'm not in a movie....but I like lots of moives
37. Artist or band: Into Ryan Cabrara right now
38. Cars: my Camry for now
39. Ice Cream: vinalla
41. Food: Anything
42. Makes You Laugh The Most: My friends
43. Makes You Smile: Friends
44. Can Make You Feel Better No Matter What: My friends....
45. Has A Crush On You: Everyone! oh wait, no one
46. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Maybe...but I'm not telling
47. Who Has It Easier?: Guys...dumb boys!
48. Gives You A Funny Feeling When You See Them: Um...this guy
49. Sit By The Phone Waiting For A Phone Call All Night: Yes
50. Save AIM Conversations: no
51. Save E-mails: I don't need to delete, I archive
52. Forwarded Secret E-mails: No
53. Wish You Were Someone Else: Me in a different roll
54. Wish You Were A Member Of The Opposite Sex: No
55. Wear after shave: when I was like five, it was my dads
57. Cuddle: always i love to spoon its so nice to be next to someone
58. Go Online For Longer Than Eight Hours At A Time: No
59. Fallen For Your Best Friend?: Yup
60. Made Out With JUST A Friend?: yeah
61. Kissed Two People In The Same Day?: Yes
62. Had Sex With Two Different People In The Same Day? Yes but I felt bad
63. Been Rejected?: Yes
64. Been In Love?: Yup
65. Been In Lust?: Once
66. Used Someone?: Sure??
67. Been Used?: you betcha
68. Dumped Someone?: Yes
69. Been Cheated On?: Yes, that Jerk
70. Back Doored It?: yes
71. Done Something You Regret?: We all do
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
72. Hung out with?: Joe, Jen, Aubry, Scott, Kent...
73. You Talked To?: Kent
74. You Hugged?: Rory
75. You Instant Messaged?: Um...I don't start most of them but Steve I think
76. You Kissed?: No one you know!
77. You Yelled At?: Kent
78. You Dreamed About?: the people I work with
79. Who Text Messaged You?: like everyone
80. Who Broke Your Heart?: This guy, I'd rather not say
81. Who Told You They Loved You?: My dad!
82. Color Your Hair? Kymba!

Body
83. Have Tattoos? No
84. Have Piercings?: No piercings
85. Boyfriend/girlfriend?: He knows who he is
86. Own A Webcam?: nope
88. Ever Get Off The Damn Computer?: All the time, I'm getting off now!
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: No, I don't sadly
90. Habla espanol?: Si
91. Buy Designer Clothes/Shoes: Yes, yes I do

HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU...
92. Stolen Anything?: NO
93. Smoke?: Nope
94. Schizophrenic?:I don't think so
95. Obsessive?: about my teeth...make them whiter!
96. Compulsive?: about my teeth! WHITE WHITE WHITE!
97. Obsessive compulsive?: WHITE TEETH!
98. Panic?: no
99. Anxiety?: no
100. Stressed?: Um...always

Thanks for taking the time to get to know me guys so answer these and allow me to get to know you! :)

I wrote it for him

2005-02-16T04:23:00.000-07:00

Laying in the deafening silence
I have sleepless dreams
He bade me not a good nights rest
I shall remain awake it seems

My soul would have him by my side
My words make that not so
I foul things up most everyday
I don't deserve him this I know

He brings me joy and I him pain
My luck has such run out
He may love me as he says
But my mind is filled with doubt

How can he love a beast like me?
When he is such a gentleman
Why does he not see the worst in me?
The sharpness of my pen

The words I say do pierce him so
He thinks himself inadequate
But it is I who've let him down
I've disapointed him inspite of it

The forgiveness of this charming soul
I dare not ask him for
I would have to grovel at his feet
and show it's him I adore

My life would happily be spent
In the service of this man
To show him of my love
And show how sorry I truly am

I plead with you oh night of horror
As bad as it may seem
Let me lay in deafening silence
And dream my sleepless dream

St. Valentines Day

2005-02-15T00:52:00.000-07:00

Now I'm sure that you might all think this is going to be some sweet I love you so much and it's so great that it is Valentines day. Well this isn't. I'm going to tell you about the only thing that has ever come good of this stuiped holiday.

The Saint Valentines Day Massacre

Valentines Day 1929. The plan is to lure "Bugs" Moran and his gang into a death trap by setting up a fake liquor transaction. Then pose as police doing a raid...what a perfect plan...and after at S.M.C. company garage the trap was set. However "Bugs" was late and saw the "police men" go into the garage...so he didn't go in. The seven men who were inside where shot and killed by Tommy guns...after being lined up along the wall they were shot at and killed, and even after they had fallen to the ground dead they stood over them and shot them some more...however "Bugs" lived...they never pinned this on Al Capone....

At least one good thing has come from this day...So happy Valentines day everyone...ejnoy it...What a lousy rotten holiday...I hope you all had a better one then me

Today is lonely

2005-02-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel more lonely? Like one day feels like a year of loneliness? I feel that way today. I would like to be in the arms of the one I love. It is the only place I long to be...Someday...I know it will happen someday.

Like anyother day

2005-02-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

Today is just like anyother day. I miss my love, I want to be with him and the distance still kills me. Yet I endure on and think about the day when we can be together. So many things will happpen that I want to be with him for. Like Valentines day, and then I missed watching the Super Bowl with him...I wish that wasn't this way...but it is. It makes it hard to look at the good in life...but I know that we will figure it out and will be together one day.

Other then that...I might be getting a job soon. Which I am excited for. I will be happy to get back to work and kind of move on with my life. I will never stop thinking about my mom, or stop missing her. But if I don't move on then I will never be truely happy. She would want it. Daddy called today, it made me wish I lived closer so I could help him. But at the same time I don't know if I can go back into the house right now. Who knows when I'll be able to. It's hard to thinking of looking at the house she decorated and walking past her room knowing she's not there...When I went back for the funeral and I walked in the house I called out to her, to let her know I was there like always...It broke my heart to realize she wasn't there...it hurt me so much. It was like a sharp stabbing pain into my heart. I find the need to call her almost every day...it makes it so hard when I feel like now I need her more then I ever did before.

I love my mom...and I love the man in my life who makes the sun still shine for me. I'm sure there is still a light at the end of the tunnle. I'm sure that all will be as it should be...I know that life moves on...it's just a matter of when...and where it goes

I can't stand distance

2005-01-23T17:19:00.001-07:00

Distance is horrible. When you are away from the people who mean the most to you. I miss my friends...I miss my love...I miss everything about them. I don't like the way we are so far apart....it's horrible to think about what that pain comes from seperation....anyone have a suggestion?

Love Hurts

2005-01-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it that love hurts so much? Why is it when you fall so deep in love you'd be willing to die for that person you can't have them? Why they have to be so far away? I want him here. I want to love him and be with him...I love him so much. I will give him everything...and be his everything...I hope I can do that...I love you!

Everything to Everyone ~ Everclear

2005-01-10T20:22:00.000-07:00

You put yourself in stupid places
Yes I think you know it’s true
Situations where it’s easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day

You do what you do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be
Everything to everyone

Yeah you do it again
You always do it again

You say they taught you how to read and write
Yeah, they taught you how to count
I say they taught you how to buy and sell
Your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down

You do what you do
You say what you say
You always try to be everything to everyone
You know all the right people
You play all the right games
You always try to be everything to everyone

Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah why don’t you ever learn
Spin around and fall down, do it again
Yeah, you stumble and you fall
I wonder if you will ever learn

Why won’t you ever learn

Come on now, do that stupid dance for me

You do what they tell you to do
You say what you say
You try to be everything to everyone
You jump through the big hoop
You play all the right games
You try to be everything to everyone

Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall
Yeah you do it again
Spin around and fall down, do it again
You stumble and you fall

I don't trust

2005-01-10T03:29:00.000-07:00

I wish I could trust...I wish I could know the undying love you claim you have. But I do not. When she takes you from me for hours....When I do not know where you are...When your phone sits at home away from me. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do...dought and distruction come into my mind and make me cry and hurt. I don't like to hurt. I don't want to hurt. I needed to talk to you. I needed your love....but it wasn't there....it was gone...I know not where you are....come back to me...if we can still love we will...if we cannot I die inside

Almost Perfect by Ingram Hill

2005-01-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

Maybe her eyes are just a little bit red
Almost all the time
Maybe her hair, it smells like cigarettes
When I climb into bed with her at night

She's almost perfect
But she's not
She's not

Maybe she knows she drives me crazy
Just bats her eyes like she's my baby
Maybe she's quick to let her tongue fly at me
She's not the most proper lady

She's almost perfect
She's so close to being everything
She's almost perfect
But she's not
She's not mine

I'm the one to blame
I'm responsible for this crash
So now I wollow around in this mess
Into this lake of sour mashed
Through my head the notion that

Maybe shes not quiet honest with me
Almost all the time
Maybe I know theres someone else in her life
When I climb into bed with her at night

She's almost perfect
She's so close to being everything
She's almost perfect
But shes not
She's not

She's almost perfect
She's so close to being everything
She's almost perfect
But she's not
She's not mine

Happy Birthday Best Friend

2005-01-07T02:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my best friend! I love her! Happy 22 to Boo!

Aside from that. I am in love. I love him! He is my everything. I hope he knows that. I have never been happier in my life. Honey, you make life worth living. I can't be with out you! Love me forever!

Happy New Year

2005-01-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

Just wishing everyone a Happy New Year and a Happy national hangover day! Happy 2005!

Happy Holidays all

2004-12-25T16:12:00.000-07:00

To all of you, no matter what you celebrate, Happy Holidays~ and Happy New Years!

I feel loved

2004-12-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

I just want my boy to know that I love him. And I'm so glad that I'm getting so much love from him! That's awesome! I love him so much! YOU ARE MY LOVE

He loves me

2004-12-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

Ha! I know he loves me! That's all that matters! I am so happy I could SCREAM!

ME ME ME

2004-12-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

This is me
1. FULL NAME: Austen Marie
2. AGE: 21
3. BIRTHDAY: 06/26/1983
4. STAR SIGN: Cancer
5. LOCATION: SF, UT
6. SEXUALITY: I like boys! Yay boys!
7. PHOBIAS: I dislike snakes but I won't die....
8. MEDICAL HISTORY: It's all good
9. SIBLINGS: John (18) and KC (7)
10. PARENTS: Just my dad now cuz my mom is dead

A LITTLE DEEPER...

11. LOCATION OF EDUCATION Holmen High School! Go Vikings. And UVSC
12. DEFINE YOURSELF IN 3 WORDS: Spunky/taken/bubbly
13. WHAT DOES YOUR HOME LOOK LIKE: It's cute, and warm and cozy!
14. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR LINENS/DUVET/BED SHEETS: Green or light blue or pale yellow
15. FAVORITE CHEESE: Yay Cheese!
16. FAVORITE FAST FOOD/TAKE AWAY: Yay BK!
17. FAVORITE SCHOOL SUBJECT: Photography
18. FAVORITE COLOR: Yellow
19. TV SHOW: Simpsons
20. FILM: Big Fish

YOUR APPEARANCE...

21. MOST WORN SCHOOL SHOES: The blue ones, or Boo's shoes
22. SAUCIEST KNICKERS/UNDIES: That is for me to know and you to find out
23. HAVE YOU EVER DYED YOUR HAIR, IF SO, WHAT COLOR: just red highlighs, oh and that one time I had blonde in it....
24. BEST SOCKS: CUTE SOCKS!
25. HEIGHT AND EYE COLOR: 5'3" blue/grey

YOUR SONGS...

26. YOUR TOP 3 ARTISTS: Hot Action Cop/ Ryan Cabrera/ Queen
27. ALBUMS YOU'RE MOST INTO: The mixes my best friend made me
28. SINGER/ARTIST YOU WANT TO MEET MOST: Steven Tyler
29. FAVORITE DIRTY LYRIC(S): "Strokin' "
30. NAME 3 SONGS BEGINNING WITH THE LETTER 'S': Santira, Shut up, Sugar
31. WOULD YOU LIKE TO MARRY: Yes.
32. IF YES, WOULD YOU PROPOSE, OR THEM: He had better do it, I won't
33. SOMEONE EVER WRITE A LOVE LETTER/SONG FOR YOU: Yes
34. HAVE YOU EVER FALLEN IN LOVE: Yes
35. ARE YOU A ROMANTIC: I guess??

YOUR LUST...

36. ARE YOU A VIRGIN: Not for a long time.
37. WHAT IS YOUR TURN ON: um...ask my man!
38. EVER DO NAUGHTY THINGS IN PUBLIC: Yes...
39. WHEN YOU KISS, DO YOU TILT LEFT OR RIGHT: Right
40. DO YOU HAVE A HIGH LIBIDO: Yes, but what is normal?

YOUR FRIENDS...

41. NAME YOUR BEST FRIENDS: Andrea and Sandy
42. DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND YOU HAVENT SEEN IN A WHILE: Don't we all?
43.OUT OF YOUR FRIENDS, WHO IS:
THE JOKER: Melissa
THE DITZY BLONDE: Sandy, No offence hun!
THE OBSESSIVE: um....he's my man so I won't say
THE MOTHER FIGURE: Sandy's mom or Andrea's mom
44. HAVE YOU EVER FANCIED A FRIEND: Yes.
45. WHICH FRIEND(s) HAVE YOU KNOWN THE LONGEST: Andrea

RANDOM QUESTIONS...

46.DO YOU LIKE GREENDAY: Yup
47.DO YOU OWN A HOODIE: Yes and I want to have my man's too!
48.HOW DO YOU KILL A LOBSTER: set it free the poor thing!
49.DO YOU KNOW ANYONE OVER 6ft OR 182.88cm: Yup lots of them
50. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PIGEONS: Yay for pigeons...wait...
51.BEST COLOR LIPGLOSS: anything yummy!
52.HAVE YOU STARTED/STOPPED/TRIED SMOKING: Tried *ducks so noone will hit her*
53.HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN DRUNK AND STRIPPED: Not drunk, stripped yes
54.NAME ONE FRIEND WHO LIVES ABROAD: Lea! I miss you
55. WOULD YOU EVER SMOKE WEED: No
56. YOUR VIEWS ON POLE LICKING: don't do it in the cold, your tounge will get stuck
57. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOURE DRUNK: I don't get drunk, well, unless you count when I'm with my best friend, she has a drunken effect on people
58. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO FOR YOU CAREER: Photographer
59. FAVORITE WORDS: Chahoots
60. WHEN YOU DIE, WILL YOU BE BURIED OR CREMATED: Buried
61. 3 THINGS THAT YOU OWN THAT ARE MULTICOLORED: a shirt, socks and CD's
62.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SUICIDAL: yes
63.WHAT OR WHO DO YOU REGULARLY DREAM ABOUT: The one I love, or my friends
64.YOUR FAVORITE HOT DRINK: Cocoa
65.FAVORITE BISCUIT/COOKIE: Mmm cookies!
66. DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS: No
67.NAME ONE SINGLE THAT YOU BOUGHT THAT WENT TO NUMBER ONE: Don't know
68.LUCKY NUMBERS: 7, 21

Thinking

2004-12-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking. In fact I can't get him out of my head. He's all I think about...I don't know what to do. I like thinking about him...that makes me happy. I just wish that I knew if he thinks about me as much. I told him how I felt about him, and found out how he feels about me. I know now but I am scared. It's strange to feel this way. But I like it. I like how he makes me feel. There are butterflies inside me and I am so happy. I haven't felt like this for a long time. It's like being on a sugar high that last all day!

Am I crazy? This is so strange. Where is this going? Where is he taking me? I don't know. I want to sit back and enjoy the ride....tell me, is that a good idea?

Written for me

2004-12-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

This was written for me by a very special person. I know it won't mean as much to you as it did to me but it made my day! Thank you for your sweetness

So far
the sky is blue
so far
an everlasting blue
so far
the blue that reaches beyond
so far
reaches to you
so far

the sky I see
the sky you see
so close
the blue that reaches beyond
so close
the blue that unites
so close
the blue that floats and supports
so close
the blue sky
so far
so close

He walked in and changed it all

2004-12-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

Well there I go again. I've meet a guy. Not just any guy, he's amazing. He always knows what to say and always puts a smile on my face. Can this be happening? Can I be falling this hard this fast? AHHHH! I don't know what to do. It's so confusing. I don't do this. I don't let this happen to me! Someone tell me what I'm doing is crazy...but then again if this is crazy commit me. Nobody has made me has happy as he does! I am in a constant state of happiness when I talk to him. I think about him a lot! It's insane! It's like he walked into my world just to shake it up and show me there is so much for me out there! I'd love to hug him and tell him thanks but I can't. Oh the day I get to will be so nice. I will hug him as long as he'll let me. If I feel this way now, wow is it going to change then! Someone stop the butterflies! I won't say love just yet but I love the way he makes me feel!

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop." -- Henry Mencken

"Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives." -- Bertrand Russell

"To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say and to finish without knowing what you have written." -- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Faithless

2004-12-03T00:35:00.000-07:00

It's so hard to have faith in anything anymore. Christmas is going to be bunk with out my mom. I hate this. I don't know if I even have feeling anymore. I feel numb. Not just because it's freezing outside but I feel numb inside too. Like there is a big empty hole or void.
Void :Noun 1. a. An empty space. b. A vacuum. 2. An open space or a break in continuity; a gap. 3. A feeling or state of emptiness, loneliness, or loss.

I feel that way. Number three the most I don't know how to feel. I'm sure that's bad and all but this sucks. I want to curl up into a hole and just rot. Hardly anything makes me feel better. I have the overwelming feeling of pain. People always want to say things to make you happy, but lots of the time it only makes it worse. Everything now is so confusing. I'm so lost. So confused. Someone take my hand and show me how to go and where I'm going. Bring light into this dark world. Save me from myself.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -- W. Somerset Maugham

"Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway." -- Jim Davis

Only those who are fit to live do not fear to die. And none are fit to die who have shrunk from the joy of life and the duty of life. Both life and death are parts of the same great adventure." -- Theodore Roosevelt

"Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

New Life

2004-12-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

So my mother passed away November 21, 2004 at 5:00PM CST. It's so sad. I know she's not suffering but I hate being with out her. There have been so many times I wanted to call her but I know she won't be there. I miss her so much. I didn't know if i should be upset or mad or what.I just can't tell anyone how I feel. I feel like noone understands. I know they try but nothing helps. I just want to scream! I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I want to throw myself into a hole that will consume me.I want my life to be over, there is no life with out her.I feel as if my soul has been ripped out.

If I didn't have Boo I don't know what I'd do. She's been my life line. And planning her wedding makes it better.

I want my life as it is to end. I want to be happy. Is there a way for that to happen? Can I be happy? Why is life so confusing? I have morbid thoughts. I want to die. I want to slit my thin existance from this world.

Thanks for everyone who called and has been there for me....Life sucks and noone loves me...Love suck...you fall and get hurt

It's been a long time

2004-11-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a long time for me to not write. I'm doing ok. Made it home safe from my parents with a pit stop in Chicago and in Denver. I am recovering from being sick. I hope that I'll get back to writing soon.

Mom's condition has gotten worse. She sleeps almost all day, accept when dad gives her meds. My little bro is still moving to Cali and I worry about him. My other brother is doing well in second grade! Yay him. He still hopes mom will get better, how sad that she won't.

It's cold here, sweater weather! Someone hug me it's way to cold!

The day comes closer

2004-10-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

The day that I leave gets closer and closer. It's hard to believe I've been here for so long. Other times it seems that I've only just gotten here. I'm so tired and worn out. I want to sleep for a month. I'm worn so thin. I hardly know what to do anymore. I don't know weather leaving is a good idea, but I don't think I could possibally stay any longer. I know that being here has helped dad and has let me have some time with my mom. I am greatful for that but am ready to go. I need to make this drive alone because I need time to work things out.

I'm glad for the friends I have here. They have been such a blessing to me. They are my sanity. Thanks to all of you. I need you all so much. Andrea thank you for all you've done. Thank you for being there night after night. Thank you a million times. I can never repay you. I don't even know how to start. I am so greatful for you.

Happy Holloween all!

Add one more

2004-10-26T23:25:00.000-06:00

I did see the movie "IT" when I was like five, and that did scare me, I don't know if it would now but then it did. I don't really like clowns they tend to really frighten me now and I don't do that whole "clown" thing at all. So there is number three. What a bad thing to show to a five year old!

As for the previews for "Saw" yes, I saw them, kinda ironic isn't it?? But it does look pretty good. Altho I don't know if I'll go to see it. Anyone got another I can try on for size?

Movies

2004-10-24T16:41:00.000-06:00

It just hit me. There have only been two movies that have ever really scared me. Not that fake scared when you go somewhere with a boy you like just so you can hold his hand cuz you're scared...I mean freeked out beyond all get out.
1. House on Haunted Hill (1999)
2. What Lies Beneath (2000)

Truely these have been the only two movies that scared me. And I don't think they could even scare me anymore...who knows....Are there even any good scary movies out?

Truth

2004-10-24T02:16:00.000-06:00

The most random things seem to happen at the most random times. Today a friend and I went to Perkin's to eat and there we saw some friends. They were with my old boyfriend and that was a bit wierd. I also saw an old friend. He walked right up and huged me. I didn't know it was him at first...so that scared me at first. It was strange and fun.

As for mom she's doing ok, she seems to be holding on to something...I wish i knew what it was. Then I could help it happen so she wouldn't suffer anymore.

I hope that me getting in an arguement with Timmo won't ruin my friendship with Boo. I feel like I've lost her. She seems so distant. I don't know what I could have done different but all I can say is I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. Please talk to me. I need you now in my life. Please don't go when I need you most. If you want me to make up with him I will. If you want to not talk tho, please tell me. I know it will hurt but I can take it. I don't want to come between you and him. I don't want to ruin everything...all I want is my friend to be honest with me. So please...just tell me the truth...

Scream

2004-10-16T01:49:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wanted to scream, and make the whole world vanish. Have you ever wanted to curl up in a ball and stop everything from moving exept the slow inhale and exhale of what could be your very last breath? Why is it that now when things look so bad that all that seems right is to just scream and sob and make everything stop? Why is the best feeling numb, where you can't feel a thing? I want to be numb so badly, I want to be numb, please let it end. No more pain, I can't take anymore pain...it must stop...

In October

2004-10-12T10:41:00.000-06:00

Well it's October for sure now. It's cooled off and foggy and reminds me a lot of what I think of when I think of Halloween. I do so enjoy the fall. I love it lots. The way everything just seems calm and still. The way the sunlight bounces of the fog and the air is cool and crisp. I think that in October the weather is the best. I love October. It's like the perfect month. And I love pumpkins!

Again congrats Boo and Timmo. And yes Boo I've known for quite awhile. It was a whole lot of fun. I hope that it was worth it ;) as if I didn't know it was. I hope that we'll get to have lots of fun planning you wedding! Yay!

Mom is doing alright, She's just taking it one day at a time, her speach has gotten harder to understand but nothing we can't handle. She does understand more then I give her credit for sometimes and that always makes me laugh. When I told her about Boo and Timmo she said "Well for even sakes, Yay for Boo!" I couldn't help but laugh when she started clapping! I'm so happy for you two!